Part 3: Undermining Commitment
I recently wrote about non-monogamy being gay men’s dirty little secret. This is the third and final part of my response to why it matters that it is a dirty little secret. My intent is not to cast a negative light non-monogamy, but rather to encourage that we talk, individually and collectively, about what this means for us. We have forged a working model of the gay male relationship without very good prototypes grounded in the open-mindedness for which the GLBT community is known and which incorporates male sexuality. As we close in on having our relationships recognized on par with heterosexual marriage I would like us to again come out of the shadows about relationships and have open dialogue promoting the development of ways to cope with the particular challenges of these relationships.
Many of us were taught that committing to someone means not having sex with anybody but your single primary love partner. Yet many people in non-monogamous relationships consider themselves in committed relationships. So how do you know if your partner is committed to you in this situation? This question can be especially important during the beginning stages of a relationship or during times of turmoil. This is something that many non-monogamous couples need to figure out that monogamous couples generally do not.
Non-monogamous relationships need to deal with many of the threats that monogamous couples grapple with, but with a twist. Bed-death (the decline or disappearance of sex within a relationship) can happen in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. I know of a number of couples in which both partners are having plenty of sex, just not with each other. When sex is so readily available outside the relationship, sex within the relationship sometimes becomes “boring” and may even cease to be a part of the relationship. Few relationships remain strong when the solitary (or even primary) source of sex is from outside the relationship. The emotional bond may remain strong, but is the relationship still a romantic relationship, or is it more like best friends? How do we deal with the draw of sexual variety available in open relationships such that we do not lose the sexual connection with our partners? The sexual element in monogamous relationships is fostered by the availability of sex only within the relationship, non-monogamous relationships are not buoyed by this.
The loss of sex as a bond can also undermine the sense of commitment. This can become especially threatening if one of the partners finds someone with whom he does enjoy having sex with and enjoys spending non-sexual time with. Even non-monogamous relationships can be subject to affairs, and with the open boundaries perhaps even more at risk.
It is not uncommon for someone to act out sexually when there is conflict in the relationship. Conflict is a common driving force in failures of fidelity in monogamous relationships. It also is a rather unhealthy way to deal with relationship conflict. Non-monogamous relationships make this option even easier and more subtle. How can you differentiate between horny play outside the relationship and sex that is venting unresolved relationship conflict—which is likely to foster the conflict, rather than act as a catharsis for the tension?
I have a friend who is a dad and was in a committed relationship of 8 years. He also likes to trick a lot. His relationship with his partner was explained to his son as being equivalent to his mom’s relationship with his step-father. Only his mother and step-father did not have a train of guys coming through for casual sex. So how do we explain or manage our extra-relationship sexual exploits when our children stay with us or our elderly parents move in? The special form and dynamics of non-monogamous relationships can be hard to explain to people outside of the community, whether they be family or colleague. One of the benefits of having our relationships validated in society is that we can look for support from our friends and families. We likely will not be able to fully utilize our support systems if what we seek support about is something that we feel we cannot share.
I firmly believe that non-monogamy is not in itself a threat to gay male relationships, but rather the ways in which we deal with (or ignore) the unique challenges of these relationships is a threat. Unless we open up a dialogue about these issues we will not know how to deal with them or each couple will have to invent their own way to address the concern. Unless we develop healthy ways to deal with the unique challenges of our relationships our dirty little secret will matter.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Our Dirty Little Secret, So What?
Part 2: Jealousy and Feeling Special
I recently wrote about non-monogamy being gay men’s dirty little secret. This is the second part of my response to why it matters that it is a dirty little secret. My overall concern is that by not being open about this aspect of our relationships—beyond simply acknowledging that non-monogamy is the norm among gay male relationships, but not discussing how this affects us—we will not and cannot form healthy ways of dealing with the particular challenges. In my previous response, I focused on the particular challenges of health and physical harm. Here I want to focus on how not talking about how we react to the specific behaviors of non-monogamy can cause hurt, and eventually resentment.
Jealousy, envy, and self-esteem are concerns for just about any relationship. But for non-monogamous relationships they may take on greater intensity. In monogamous relationships there are pretty clear boundaries on acceptable flirting and sexual behavior. In non-monogamous relationships the boundary is less inherently clear. I think all of us have found ourselves in a conversation with friends in which one person claims that oral sex does not count as sex with another person claiming that it does. In traditionally monogamous relationships you pretty much know that you are staying away from everyone else’s genitalia and keeping your genitalia away from everybody else. But in non-monogamous relationships there can be a lot of different facets to negotiate with regard to what is acceptable behavior and what is not. There may not be agreement on what is acceptable, respectful flirting or sexual behavior. How does one know he is going to hurt his partner unless this is discussed in advance?
Whom a partner plays around with can also be a point of tension. It can be a little upsetting if your partner plays with a guy that you are really hot for, but have not been able to land. Or your partner might end up playing with a guy that you don’t like, or even your ex—for many of us this could feel a little annoying. If your partner plays with a lot of guys and you are more selective you might find yourself feeling devalued. Sometimes we end up tricking with someone who mistakes the encounter for more than a trick. If that trick tries to impose himself into your relationship, then that is likely to cause a bit of stress.
I think we all want to feel special, especially to our partner. Many gay guys have had, or will have, over 1,000 partners in their lifetime. If you sleep around a lot, your partner may at times feel like he is nothing more than one in a line of guys for you—the one that it is convenient for you to sleep with regularly. Differences in libido, taste, style, and the type of person one attracts can make the openness of the relationship feel unfair. The difference in attention that each partner gets while you both are out in public can also be a problem. It is not uncommon for someone to find one member of a couple attractive and not the other, which can cause one partner to be the center of attention while his partner feels shoved to the side. In monogamous relationships neither of the partners are prey and this dynamic really doesn’t develop.
There can be additional pressure on the relationship from the secretive aspect of them. One of the great accomplishments for the GLBT community in the last 30 years has been our ability to be open about who we are and who our primary love interest is. This freedom has relieved a great deal of community stress. But for many of us, we still feel the need to keep this characteristic of our relationships secret and would feel uncomfortable if people knew that part of us. Maintaining secrets drains us of psychological energy. Most of us would feel comfortable going to a therapist to discuss the lack of sharing of chores within our relationships, but few of us would feel perfectly comfortable going to a therapist to discuss the fact that differences in tricking behaviors between us and our partners has become a point of conflict. Without talking about this, at least between partners, leaves the couple vulnerable to unintentionally hurting one another, which will eventually develop into resentment.
I recently wrote about non-monogamy being gay men’s dirty little secret. This is the second part of my response to why it matters that it is a dirty little secret. My overall concern is that by not being open about this aspect of our relationships—beyond simply acknowledging that non-monogamy is the norm among gay male relationships, but not discussing how this affects us—we will not and cannot form healthy ways of dealing with the particular challenges. In my previous response, I focused on the particular challenges of health and physical harm. Here I want to focus on how not talking about how we react to the specific behaviors of non-monogamy can cause hurt, and eventually resentment.
Jealousy, envy, and self-esteem are concerns for just about any relationship. But for non-monogamous relationships they may take on greater intensity. In monogamous relationships there are pretty clear boundaries on acceptable flirting and sexual behavior. In non-monogamous relationships the boundary is less inherently clear. I think all of us have found ourselves in a conversation with friends in which one person claims that oral sex does not count as sex with another person claiming that it does. In traditionally monogamous relationships you pretty much know that you are staying away from everyone else’s genitalia and keeping your genitalia away from everybody else. But in non-monogamous relationships there can be a lot of different facets to negotiate with regard to what is acceptable behavior and what is not. There may not be agreement on what is acceptable, respectful flirting or sexual behavior. How does one know he is going to hurt his partner unless this is discussed in advance?
Whom a partner plays around with can also be a point of tension. It can be a little upsetting if your partner plays with a guy that you are really hot for, but have not been able to land. Or your partner might end up playing with a guy that you don’t like, or even your ex—for many of us this could feel a little annoying. If your partner plays with a lot of guys and you are more selective you might find yourself feeling devalued. Sometimes we end up tricking with someone who mistakes the encounter for more than a trick. If that trick tries to impose himself into your relationship, then that is likely to cause a bit of stress.
I think we all want to feel special, especially to our partner. Many gay guys have had, or will have, over 1,000 partners in their lifetime. If you sleep around a lot, your partner may at times feel like he is nothing more than one in a line of guys for you—the one that it is convenient for you to sleep with regularly. Differences in libido, taste, style, and the type of person one attracts can make the openness of the relationship feel unfair. The difference in attention that each partner gets while you both are out in public can also be a problem. It is not uncommon for someone to find one member of a couple attractive and not the other, which can cause one partner to be the center of attention while his partner feels shoved to the side. In monogamous relationships neither of the partners are prey and this dynamic really doesn’t develop.
There can be additional pressure on the relationship from the secretive aspect of them. One of the great accomplishments for the GLBT community in the last 30 years has been our ability to be open about who we are and who our primary love interest is. This freedom has relieved a great deal of community stress. But for many of us, we still feel the need to keep this characteristic of our relationships secret and would feel uncomfortable if people knew that part of us. Maintaining secrets drains us of psychological energy. Most of us would feel comfortable going to a therapist to discuss the lack of sharing of chores within our relationships, but few of us would feel perfectly comfortable going to a therapist to discuss the fact that differences in tricking behaviors between us and our partners has become a point of conflict. Without talking about this, at least between partners, leaves the couple vulnerable to unintentionally hurting one another, which will eventually develop into resentment.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Our Dirty Little Secret, So What?
Part 1: Health and Physical Harm
I recently wrote about non-monogamy being gay men’s dirty little secret. So what? The problem with being unwilling to talk about the nature of our relationships means we do not deal with the particular challenges of non-monogamous relationships. Let me clarify that I do not mean to imply that non-monogamous relationship have more or harder challenges than monogamous relationships, simply that our relationships have unique challenges that are not addressed in all the self-help books on (monogamous) relationships or the couples counseling training that most therapists receive. Without talking about these specific challenges, one cannot address and solve them though. By bringing the truth of our relationships out from the shadow and into the light, we can begin to deal with our relationships in the same healthy ways that people in monogamous relationships do.
Non-monogamous relationships face health and safety concerns that monogamous relationships don’t face. Perhaps the most obvious concern is STDs. Even if both partners are HIV+ there is the risk of re-infection by a different strain of the virus that can compromise the effectiveness of one’s treatment. Syphilis, Herpes, and Chlamydia are all common in the gay community and, despite the availability of medical treatment, these diseases can cause real problems. Even if you know your partner is playing around with other guys, it can still be pretty disturbing for him to bring an STD into the relationship. Monogamous relationships have a much lower risk of this. Fooling around with a bunch of guys can even bring more flu and cold viruses into the relationship as well. As minor as that can be, it can also cause extra stress.
One of the advantages of monogamous relationships is that you no longer have to worry about psycho tricks. Monogamous couples are almost never attacked or killed by strangers they took home for sex. This obviously happens pretty infrequently with non-monogamous couples as well, but it does happen. I like a guy who looks a little edgy. Many of us fantasize about, or even bring home, rough trade. But some of the most respectable looking guys are also the most dangerous (Andrew Cunanan was rather presentable and he killed four gay men before killing Versace). Sometimes when I (or we) have had a trick over I worry about what he might steal. I usually assume that my partner and I could probably take down a stranger we brought home for sex if he physically threatened us—even though I know nothing about the guy’s fighting skills or whether he is armed. By being in non-monogamous relationships we give up some of the safety gained in monogamous relationships.
Another concern can be whether one’s partner is engaging is dangerous sex acts when you are not around to help him, should something go wrong. When my partner and I play with another I always make sure that anyone who fucks him wears a condom and share our rule of “cum on us, not in us” (I am rather old school in my safer-sex practices). Sometimes the reason for the open relationship is because one partner has a fetish that is not shared. Sometimes that fetish (e.g., bondage, flogging, electro-stimulation, fisting) has specific physical risks. In realty, we hear little about scenes with strangers going wrong and causing physical harm. In my field, I probably hear about it a little more—people are more likely to tell an open-minded therapist bound by a confidentiality agreement than their friends.
Though few of us take on these concerns on a daily basis for our partner, the risk itself can sometimes cause stress within the relationship. Ever worry about your partner when he was off playing with someone else? Ever worry about a quirky trick you (or you and your partner) brought home? This type of worrying is part of the human condition—at least in the mild form. The threats we experience are real and there can be a real affect from those threats—even when the threat is never realized. When we are more honest and open about the true nature of our relationships we can better alleviate or manage these threats. We can share ideas about how to best protect ourselves and reduce the threat and the stress.
I recently wrote about non-monogamy being gay men’s dirty little secret. So what? The problem with being unwilling to talk about the nature of our relationships means we do not deal with the particular challenges of non-monogamous relationships. Let me clarify that I do not mean to imply that non-monogamous relationship have more or harder challenges than monogamous relationships, simply that our relationships have unique challenges that are not addressed in all the self-help books on (monogamous) relationships or the couples counseling training that most therapists receive. Without talking about these specific challenges, one cannot address and solve them though. By bringing the truth of our relationships out from the shadow and into the light, we can begin to deal with our relationships in the same healthy ways that people in monogamous relationships do.
Non-monogamous relationships face health and safety concerns that monogamous relationships don’t face. Perhaps the most obvious concern is STDs. Even if both partners are HIV+ there is the risk of re-infection by a different strain of the virus that can compromise the effectiveness of one’s treatment. Syphilis, Herpes, and Chlamydia are all common in the gay community and, despite the availability of medical treatment, these diseases can cause real problems. Even if you know your partner is playing around with other guys, it can still be pretty disturbing for him to bring an STD into the relationship. Monogamous relationships have a much lower risk of this. Fooling around with a bunch of guys can even bring more flu and cold viruses into the relationship as well. As minor as that can be, it can also cause extra stress.
One of the advantages of monogamous relationships is that you no longer have to worry about psycho tricks. Monogamous couples are almost never attacked or killed by strangers they took home for sex. This obviously happens pretty infrequently with non-monogamous couples as well, but it does happen. I like a guy who looks a little edgy. Many of us fantasize about, or even bring home, rough trade. But some of the most respectable looking guys are also the most dangerous (Andrew Cunanan was rather presentable and he killed four gay men before killing Versace). Sometimes when I (or we) have had a trick over I worry about what he might steal. I usually assume that my partner and I could probably take down a stranger we brought home for sex if he physically threatened us—even though I know nothing about the guy’s fighting skills or whether he is armed. By being in non-monogamous relationships we give up some of the safety gained in monogamous relationships.
Another concern can be whether one’s partner is engaging is dangerous sex acts when you are not around to help him, should something go wrong. When my partner and I play with another I always make sure that anyone who fucks him wears a condom and share our rule of “cum on us, not in us” (I am rather old school in my safer-sex practices). Sometimes the reason for the open relationship is because one partner has a fetish that is not shared. Sometimes that fetish (e.g., bondage, flogging, electro-stimulation, fisting) has specific physical risks. In realty, we hear little about scenes with strangers going wrong and causing physical harm. In my field, I probably hear about it a little more—people are more likely to tell an open-minded therapist bound by a confidentiality agreement than their friends.
Though few of us take on these concerns on a daily basis for our partner, the risk itself can sometimes cause stress within the relationship. Ever worry about your partner when he was off playing with someone else? Ever worry about a quirky trick you (or you and your partner) brought home? This type of worrying is part of the human condition—at least in the mild form. The threats we experience are real and there can be a real affect from those threats—even when the threat is never realized. When we are more honest and open about the true nature of our relationships we can better alleviate or manage these threats. We can share ideas about how to best protect ourselves and reduce the threat and the stress.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Non-Monogamy: The Truth about Gay Male Relationships
A few years ago my parents visited the Ripcord with me and my partner where they saw guys, some of whom are in relationships, hug and kiss each other rather freely. After we left my mom asked me why guys did not get jealous and claimed that in the heterosexual community the same behavior would basically lead to fights. My partner and I explained that because it is the cultural norm for the gay community we know that (usually) it is simply an expression of friendly affection and not a romantic or even sexual advance.
Another way in which our cultural norms are different is that the majority of our relationships are not monogamous. A study a few years back found that 66% of couple gay men reported that they had had sex with someone besides their partner within the first year of the relationship. The same study found that within 5 years of a relationship 90% of coupled gay men had had sex with someone other than his partner. Another study found that 50% of the gay male couples who entered into same-sex unions in Vermont did not value sexual fidelity. When I have been in monogamous relationships with another man my friends occasionally ridiculed me, or at least found it strange. Clearly, monogamous coupling is not the norm in the gay male community.
Okay, so what exactly is a non-monogamous relationship? When I talk about non-monogamous relationships I mean a situation in which someone has one (or more) primarily love interest(s) with whom he is not sexually exclusive. So, if you are in a relationship and you and your partner play together with other guys, then you are in a non-monogamous relationship. If you and your partner have sex with other guys when the other is not around, or “have an open relationship,” then you have a non-monogamous relationship. Technically, if you are in a closed relationship with more than one other person (polyamorous), even you all of you are sexually active only with each other, then you are in a non-monogamous relationship.
We do not talk about the non-monogamous aspect of our relationships much though. Sometimes our relationships are non-monogamous and we do not even admit it to each other. We will talk about the tricks that we have had, but rarely do we talk about the impact this feature of our relationship has on our relationship. After a series of relationships that were either monogamous or unspokenly non-monogamous, I am currently in my first openly non-monogamous relationship. Even though it has been a number of years, I am still a little fascinated by the whole idea. But I have only found one friend who will talk to me about how the non-monogamous aspect of his relationship operates and how it affects his relationship. Friends may admit to having a non-monogamous relationship, but they don’t talk about them. There are a number of books that address non-monogamy—especially polyamory—but the majority of these books are geared toward heterosexuals and few tackle the true challenges of open relationships, and even fewer address the gay male experience specifically.
I think, despite the pressure and support from within the culture for non-monogamous relationships, we are still a little embarrassed about our relationships. We have all been raised in a culture that says that monogamy is the correct way to have a relationship. Few of us share the fact that our relationships are non-monogamous with our friends or colleagues outside of our community. I think most of us would be horrified to see a non-monogamous gay male couple on mainstream TV. I feel comfortable bringing my parents to the Ripcord and they know that my partner and I are into leather, but even I am not sure I want them to know that I am in a non-monogamous relationship. After all, as a community, we have spent the last 20 years trying to convince society that our relationships are “just like theirs” in order to receive acceptance. It is like our dirty little secret.
Another way in which our cultural norms are different is that the majority of our relationships are not monogamous. A study a few years back found that 66% of couple gay men reported that they had had sex with someone besides their partner within the first year of the relationship. The same study found that within 5 years of a relationship 90% of coupled gay men had had sex with someone other than his partner. Another study found that 50% of the gay male couples who entered into same-sex unions in Vermont did not value sexual fidelity. When I have been in monogamous relationships with another man my friends occasionally ridiculed me, or at least found it strange. Clearly, monogamous coupling is not the norm in the gay male community.
Okay, so what exactly is a non-monogamous relationship? When I talk about non-monogamous relationships I mean a situation in which someone has one (or more) primarily love interest(s) with whom he is not sexually exclusive. So, if you are in a relationship and you and your partner play together with other guys, then you are in a non-monogamous relationship. If you and your partner have sex with other guys when the other is not around, or “have an open relationship,” then you have a non-monogamous relationship. Technically, if you are in a closed relationship with more than one other person (polyamorous), even you all of you are sexually active only with each other, then you are in a non-monogamous relationship.
We do not talk about the non-monogamous aspect of our relationships much though. Sometimes our relationships are non-monogamous and we do not even admit it to each other. We will talk about the tricks that we have had, but rarely do we talk about the impact this feature of our relationship has on our relationship. After a series of relationships that were either monogamous or unspokenly non-monogamous, I am currently in my first openly non-monogamous relationship. Even though it has been a number of years, I am still a little fascinated by the whole idea. But I have only found one friend who will talk to me about how the non-monogamous aspect of his relationship operates and how it affects his relationship. Friends may admit to having a non-monogamous relationship, but they don’t talk about them. There are a number of books that address non-monogamy—especially polyamory—but the majority of these books are geared toward heterosexuals and few tackle the true challenges of open relationships, and even fewer address the gay male experience specifically.
I think, despite the pressure and support from within the culture for non-monogamous relationships, we are still a little embarrassed about our relationships. We have all been raised in a culture that says that monogamy is the correct way to have a relationship. Few of us share the fact that our relationships are non-monogamous with our friends or colleagues outside of our community. I think most of us would be horrified to see a non-monogamous gay male couple on mainstream TV. I feel comfortable bringing my parents to the Ripcord and they know that my partner and I are into leather, but even I am not sure I want them to know that I am in a non-monogamous relationship. After all, as a community, we have spent the last 20 years trying to convince society that our relationships are “just like theirs” in order to receive acceptance. It is like our dirty little secret.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Selfishness or Self-preservation
I’ve had a lot of clients who struggle to take care of their own needs, instead sacrificing for another. When queried about this tendency they usually use the “selfish defense.” By the selfish defense I mean that they claim that they do not want to be selfish. When did taking care of oneself become “selfish,” instead of self-preservation? Self-preservation is actually a good thing. We all have fundament needs. Normally when we think of fundamental needs, we think of food water, shelter, and perhaps protection or safety. I think that fundamental needs also include the need to be respected, to have fun, to be treated fairly, even the need to be appreciated occasionally.
In Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. He separates human needs into B-needs and D-needs. The D-needs are defined as needs without which our lives are deficient and we will fail to thrive. The D-needs are further separated into four levels, physiological (food, water), safety (protection from the environment and from others), belongingness (being accepted by others), and then esteem (feeling good about oneself), with the lowest level being the most essential. He argued that we must get the lowest level of needs met (at least partially) before we pursue the higher level needs. The B-needs are essential to being human, they are the need for justice, beauty, harmony, truth, etc. These needs define the human experience as different from other animals. Maslow argued that we could thrive without our B-needs being met, but implied that we could not have a full human existence without some of our B-needs being met.
I think that the needs of respect, fun, fair treatment, and being appreciated are D-needs. Without their satiation, our needs for belongingness and esteem are not met. When we sacrifice these we are depriving ourselves of our own ability to thrive. Making sure that we are attended to is not selfish, it is self-preservation. Even in D/s (Dominance-submission) relationships the sub’s needs for are to be met. The service of the sub is given in exchange for having those needs met in other ways, usually through a healthy negotiation. When these fundamental needs are not met—in a D/s or vanilla relationship—then there is exploitation.
Exploitation is the hallmark of being selfish. Selfishness occurs when one is getting their needs (or desires) met at the sake of another, unnecessarily. When someone asks another to make sacrifices he or she is not willing to make himself or herself or that cause undue harm on another, then that person has crossed the line from self-preservation into selfishness. It is important to be cognizant of when one is engaging in self-preservation, selfishness, and self-detriment. The need for “love” (belongingness) will often lead us to sacrificing other aspects of belongingness and we end up with a false sense of belongingness—not acceptance for who we are, but rather what we can offer. You can know that you are truly being appreciated when people try to accommodate you, not when you busy accommodating another.
Esteem is grounded on having a sense of belongingness. A colleague once shared with me that his concept of self-esteem was “being known for who you are.” I would elaborate that self-esteem is being known for who are and recognizing that you are still loved. When we see that others appreciate us it makes it easier for us to appreciate ourselves. When we fail to take care of our fundamental needs, not just the two lowest levels of our needs (food, water, shelter and safety), we will fail to thrive. We are not doing good with this behavior; we are hurting the ones that do truly love us. We deprive them of our fullness, which (unlike self-preservation) is not a good thing.
In Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. He separates human needs into B-needs and D-needs. The D-needs are defined as needs without which our lives are deficient and we will fail to thrive. The D-needs are further separated into four levels, physiological (food, water), safety (protection from the environment and from others), belongingness (being accepted by others), and then esteem (feeling good about oneself), with the lowest level being the most essential. He argued that we must get the lowest level of needs met (at least partially) before we pursue the higher level needs. The B-needs are essential to being human, they are the need for justice, beauty, harmony, truth, etc. These needs define the human experience as different from other animals. Maslow argued that we could thrive without our B-needs being met, but implied that we could not have a full human existence without some of our B-needs being met.
I think that the needs of respect, fun, fair treatment, and being appreciated are D-needs. Without their satiation, our needs for belongingness and esteem are not met. When we sacrifice these we are depriving ourselves of our own ability to thrive. Making sure that we are attended to is not selfish, it is self-preservation. Even in D/s (Dominance-submission) relationships the sub’s needs for are to be met. The service of the sub is given in exchange for having those needs met in other ways, usually through a healthy negotiation. When these fundamental needs are not met—in a D/s or vanilla relationship—then there is exploitation.
Exploitation is the hallmark of being selfish. Selfishness occurs when one is getting their needs (or desires) met at the sake of another, unnecessarily. When someone asks another to make sacrifices he or she is not willing to make himself or herself or that cause undue harm on another, then that person has crossed the line from self-preservation into selfishness. It is important to be cognizant of when one is engaging in self-preservation, selfishness, and self-detriment. The need for “love” (belongingness) will often lead us to sacrificing other aspects of belongingness and we end up with a false sense of belongingness—not acceptance for who we are, but rather what we can offer. You can know that you are truly being appreciated when people try to accommodate you, not when you busy accommodating another.
Esteem is grounded on having a sense of belongingness. A colleague once shared with me that his concept of self-esteem was “being known for who you are.” I would elaborate that self-esteem is being known for who are and recognizing that you are still loved. When we see that others appreciate us it makes it easier for us to appreciate ourselves. When we fail to take care of our fundamental needs, not just the two lowest levels of our needs (food, water, shelter and safety), we will fail to thrive. We are not doing good with this behavior; we are hurting the ones that do truly love us. We deprive them of our fullness, which (unlike self-preservation) is not a good thing.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Plywood, OSB, MDF, and Masonite
I don’t do construction. In fact, the physical world sometimes baffles me (electricity is magic to me). But I know the difference between plywood, oriented strand board (OSB), medium density fiberboard (MDF), and masonite. I know that this is the order in which these types of boards are the densest and I have a working idea of how that affects the ways in which they need to be handled and can best be used in construction. This is information that in my daily life would be normally fairly useless to me. However, my having this information is actually vitally important to my relationship.
My boyfriend is in construction and these are the basic types of boards he regularly uses. He also likes to tell me about his day and the work that he does. When he tells me that he had to move 6 sheets of MDF that day, I know that he did some heavy lifting. I know what kind of dust he dealt with when he cut the wood. I know that most likely he worked in a space that is going to remain fairly dry (MDF is one of the wood products least noble to water). I know that he will probably be working with paint, instead of stain, soon (there is no wood grain in MDF, so stain really wouldn’t look good). As a consequence of all of this, I also know what type of questions to ask that will allow him to expand upon his day and how what he did today was important.
I often get clients who work in very different occupations than their partners. Many of them cannot explain the facets of their partner’s occupational life, or they have partners that cannot explain the facets of my clients’ occupational lives. They tend not to understand what the likely challenges are and what would qualify as a success in their partner’s field. They end up shut out of an important aspect of each other’s lives. They miss opportunities to understand the struggles that their partner might be experiencing at work and fail to be in a position to offer quality support or counsel.
Frequently, in these relationships I hear of larger communication problems, feelings of not being connected to one’s partner, or feelings of not being appreciated or validated. I also work with a lot of clients who are dealing with infidelity and affairs in their relationships. I do not think this is just a coincidence. I have found that becoming interested in the occupational life of your partner is actually likely to improve your relationship.
By not just listening to your partner when he or she talks about work, but actually learning about your partner’s world of work, you become more connected and you validate as meaningful the work that your partner does. Go beyond “how was your day?” When you receive the answer to that ask a follow up question. You can start by asking simple questions, along the lines of “what is that?” Allow your partner to educate you about what he or she does, who and what he or she does it with, and why what he or she does is important or how it fits into a larger mission. Ideally, your level of interest would become one in which you could ask meaningful questions and interpretations of what specific events mean when your partner shares them with you. What are the plywood, OSB, MDF, and masonite of your partner’s occupational life?
My boyfriend is in construction and these are the basic types of boards he regularly uses. He also likes to tell me about his day and the work that he does. When he tells me that he had to move 6 sheets of MDF that day, I know that he did some heavy lifting. I know what kind of dust he dealt with when he cut the wood. I know that most likely he worked in a space that is going to remain fairly dry (MDF is one of the wood products least noble to water). I know that he will probably be working with paint, instead of stain, soon (there is no wood grain in MDF, so stain really wouldn’t look good). As a consequence of all of this, I also know what type of questions to ask that will allow him to expand upon his day and how what he did today was important.
I often get clients who work in very different occupations than their partners. Many of them cannot explain the facets of their partner’s occupational life, or they have partners that cannot explain the facets of my clients’ occupational lives. They tend not to understand what the likely challenges are and what would qualify as a success in their partner’s field. They end up shut out of an important aspect of each other’s lives. They miss opportunities to understand the struggles that their partner might be experiencing at work and fail to be in a position to offer quality support or counsel.
Frequently, in these relationships I hear of larger communication problems, feelings of not being connected to one’s partner, or feelings of not being appreciated or validated. I also work with a lot of clients who are dealing with infidelity and affairs in their relationships. I do not think this is just a coincidence. I have found that becoming interested in the occupational life of your partner is actually likely to improve your relationship.
By not just listening to your partner when he or she talks about work, but actually learning about your partner’s world of work, you become more connected and you validate as meaningful the work that your partner does. Go beyond “how was your day?” When you receive the answer to that ask a follow up question. You can start by asking simple questions, along the lines of “what is that?” Allow your partner to educate you about what he or she does, who and what he or she does it with, and why what he or she does is important or how it fits into a larger mission. Ideally, your level of interest would become one in which you could ask meaningful questions and interpretations of what specific events mean when your partner shares them with you. What are the plywood, OSB, MDF, and masonite of your partner’s occupational life?
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Year's Resolutions
This is the time of year when many people decide to make changes in their lives. We frequently resolve to do something differently, whether it is eating better or giving up a habit in which we would prefer not to engage. However, this is also a time of year in which people become frustrated with failing to make the changes in their lives that they want to make. In fact, sustaining the change is so difficult that how quickly a New Year’s resolution is broken has become a source of jokes.
Many people do not know how to make real changes in their behavior. This is not something that we are ever taught. I have frequently had clients tell me that it takes 28 days to form a habit, but none of them have been able to explain the science or reasoning behind that claim. In fact, I have never found that there is good science or reasoning behind the claim. But it suggests a belief that if one can simply change a behavior effortfully for 28 days, then he or she can develop a new habit. Ask an ex-smoker if after 28 days of not smoking they experience a behavioral inclination to smoke when they go to a bar (beyond the actual chemical craving), and see if 28 days is adequate for developing new habits. The truth is that there is no standard for when a behavioral change becomes permanent.
What does exist are well accepted theories of change that can be helpful in planning for and following through in changing behavior. Within in psychology, James Prochaska’s Transtheoretical Model for Change is the most widely used model for behavioral change. His model consists of stages: pre-contemplation, contemplation, planning, action, maintenance, and relapse. People in the pre-contemplation stage are not yet thinking about making a change. The people around them may think they should, but they do not feel that way themselves. People in the contemplation stage are thinking about making a change, but are still undecided if they want to follow through with it. Once someone decides he or she wants to make a behavioral change he or she moves into the planning stage. During this stage the person considers what actions will most likely facilitate a successful change. Once a plan is in place, a person begins making the behavioral change and therefore moves into the action stage.
People often choose the symbolic date of New Year’s Day to transition from the planning stage to the action stage. Unfortunately, many of them fail to actually complete the planning stage before moving into the action stage, and consequently move directly into the relapse stage, rather than move into the stage of maintenance. The maintenance stage is the marked by going through the deliberate actions that will form the new behavior as a habit. Relapse is when one engages in the old behavior after having entered the action stage. The maintenance stage is frequently punctuated by intermittent relapse stages. If a relapse stage lasts long enough, the whole cycle may need to be repeated.
Forming a new habit (which includes shedding an old habit) involves a change in brain anatomy and physiology. Biologically, habits can be thought of as well-established patterns of brain activity. The more one engages in a habit, the more easily the pattern is triggered. The establishment of an alternative habit is the process of establishing and strengthening a competitive pattern of brain activity. In Prochaskan terms, the maintenance stage is the deliberate effort of establishing the competitive pattern and relapse is reverting to the old pattern. The more deliberate practice in which someone engages, the stronger the new pattern gets and the weaker the old pattern becomes.
Both planning and patience are important in forming a new habit. To extinguish an old habit or acquire a new habit more successfully, think about specifically what you want the new habit to be. If trying to get rid of an old habit, think it terms of “instead of X, I will do Y” (not just “I do not want to do X”). Setting step-wise, specific, and measurable goals can help one feel a sense of accomplishment and therefore encouraged and reinforced. Addiction recovery is often thought of in terms of “one day at a time.” Adopting the perspective that your goal is to have the new habit today, instead of “from here on out,” can make the change feel less daunting. And appreciate the number of instances in which you are able to engage in the new habit. Recognize that relapse is a natural part of any behavioral change and allow yourself that. Do not give up when the old neurological pattern wins, instead just keep building the new pattern with deliberate effort.
Many people do not know how to make real changes in their behavior. This is not something that we are ever taught. I have frequently had clients tell me that it takes 28 days to form a habit, but none of them have been able to explain the science or reasoning behind that claim. In fact, I have never found that there is good science or reasoning behind the claim. But it suggests a belief that if one can simply change a behavior effortfully for 28 days, then he or she can develop a new habit. Ask an ex-smoker if after 28 days of not smoking they experience a behavioral inclination to smoke when they go to a bar (beyond the actual chemical craving), and see if 28 days is adequate for developing new habits. The truth is that there is no standard for when a behavioral change becomes permanent.
What does exist are well accepted theories of change that can be helpful in planning for and following through in changing behavior. Within in psychology, James Prochaska’s Transtheoretical Model for Change is the most widely used model for behavioral change. His model consists of stages: pre-contemplation, contemplation, planning, action, maintenance, and relapse. People in the pre-contemplation stage are not yet thinking about making a change. The people around them may think they should, but they do not feel that way themselves. People in the contemplation stage are thinking about making a change, but are still undecided if they want to follow through with it. Once someone decides he or she wants to make a behavioral change he or she moves into the planning stage. During this stage the person considers what actions will most likely facilitate a successful change. Once a plan is in place, a person begins making the behavioral change and therefore moves into the action stage.
People often choose the symbolic date of New Year’s Day to transition from the planning stage to the action stage. Unfortunately, many of them fail to actually complete the planning stage before moving into the action stage, and consequently move directly into the relapse stage, rather than move into the stage of maintenance. The maintenance stage is the marked by going through the deliberate actions that will form the new behavior as a habit. Relapse is when one engages in the old behavior after having entered the action stage. The maintenance stage is frequently punctuated by intermittent relapse stages. If a relapse stage lasts long enough, the whole cycle may need to be repeated.
Forming a new habit (which includes shedding an old habit) involves a change in brain anatomy and physiology. Biologically, habits can be thought of as well-established patterns of brain activity. The more one engages in a habit, the more easily the pattern is triggered. The establishment of an alternative habit is the process of establishing and strengthening a competitive pattern of brain activity. In Prochaskan terms, the maintenance stage is the deliberate effort of establishing the competitive pattern and relapse is reverting to the old pattern. The more deliberate practice in which someone engages, the stronger the new pattern gets and the weaker the old pattern becomes.
Both planning and patience are important in forming a new habit. To extinguish an old habit or acquire a new habit more successfully, think about specifically what you want the new habit to be. If trying to get rid of an old habit, think it terms of “instead of X, I will do Y” (not just “I do not want to do X”). Setting step-wise, specific, and measurable goals can help one feel a sense of accomplishment and therefore encouraged and reinforced. Addiction recovery is often thought of in terms of “one day at a time.” Adopting the perspective that your goal is to have the new habit today, instead of “from here on out,” can make the change feel less daunting. And appreciate the number of instances in which you are able to engage in the new habit. Recognize that relapse is a natural part of any behavioral change and allow yourself that. Do not give up when the old neurological pattern wins, instead just keep building the new pattern with deliberate effort.
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