Our Dirty Little Secret, So What?

Part 3: Undermining Commitment

I recently wrote about non-monogamy being gay men’s dirty little secret. This is the third and final part of my response to why it matters that it is a dirty little secret. My intent is not to cast a negative light non-monogamy, but rather to encourage that we talk, individually and collectively, about what this means for us. We have forged a working model of the gay male relationship without very good prototypes grounded in the open-mindedness for which the GLBT community is known and which incorporates male sexuality. As we close in on having our relationships recognized on par with heterosexual marriage I would like us to again come out of the shadows about relationships and have open dialogue promoting the development of ways to cope with the particular challenges of these relationships.

Many of us were taught that committing to someone means not having sex with anybody but your single primary love partner. Yet many people in non-monogamous relationships consider themselves in committed relationships. So how do you know if your partner is committed to you in this situation? This question can be especially important during the beginning stages of a relationship or during times of turmoil. This is something that many non-monogamous couples need to figure out that monogamous couples generally do not.

Non-monogamous relationships need to deal with many of the threats that monogamous couples grapple with, but with a twist. Bed-death (the decline or disappearance of sex within a relationship) can happen in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. I know of a number of couples in which both partners are having plenty of sex, just not with each other. When sex is so readily available outside the relationship, sex within the relationship sometimes becomes “boring” and may even cease to be a part of the relationship. Few relationships remain strong when the solitary (or even primary) source of sex is from outside the relationship. The emotional bond may remain strong, but is the relationship still a romantic relationship, or is it more like best friends? How do we deal with the draw of sexual variety available in open relationships such that we do not lose the sexual connection with our partners? The sexual element in monogamous relationships is fostered by the availability of sex only within the relationship, non-monogamous relationships are not buoyed by this.

The loss of sex as a bond can also undermine the sense of commitment. This can become especially threatening if one of the partners finds someone with whom he does enjoy having sex with and enjoys spending non-sexual time with. Even non-monogamous relationships can be subject to affairs, and with the open boundaries perhaps even more at risk.

It is not uncommon for someone to act out sexually when there is conflict in the relationship. Conflict is a common driving force in failures of fidelity in monogamous relationships. It also is a rather unhealthy way to deal with relationship conflict. Non-monogamous relationships make this option even easier and more subtle. How can you differentiate between horny play outside the relationship and sex that is venting unresolved relationship conflict—which is likely to foster the conflict, rather than act as a catharsis for the tension?

I have a friend who is a dad and was in a committed relationship of 8 years. He also likes to trick a lot. His relationship with his partner was explained to his son as being equivalent to his mom’s relationship with his step-father. Only his mother and step-father did not have a train of guys coming through for casual sex. So how do we explain or manage our extra-relationship sexual exploits when our children stay with us or our elderly parents move in? The special form and dynamics of non-monogamous relationships can be hard to explain to people outside of the community, whether they be family or colleague. One of the benefits of having our relationships validated in society is that we can look for support from our friends and families. We likely will not be able to fully utilize our support systems if what we seek support about is something that we feel we cannot share.

I firmly believe that non-monogamy is not in itself a threat to gay male relationships, but rather the ways in which we deal with (or ignore) the unique challenges of these relationships is a threat. Unless we open up a dialogue about these issues we will not know how to deal with them or each couple will have to invent their own way to address the concern. Unless we develop healthy ways to deal with the unique challenges of our relationships our dirty little secret will matter.