A Christmas Attitude

I have had two clients today explain to me why they do not particularly care for Christmas. They each had their own reason for having some ambivalence about Christmas. I happen to really enjoy Christmas. They both reported having pleasant Christmases growing up, as did I. I think the difference is that I have a different attitude about Christmas. For me Christmas is honestly about the fun of giving and creating memories.

My first client explained that Christmas reminds her of all of the sadness in the world, and admitted to feeling some guilt for having the resources to celebrate Christmas while others do not. I acknowledged that sadness and poverty are real and regrettable. I also shared my confusion as to how whether I celebrated Christmas or not was going to actually affect the sadness of others. I honestly do not think that we can only celebrate in the absence of suffering—if that were the case then we really could never celebrate anything. I would rather affect the overall balance of joy and sadness in the world by bringing joy to my friends and family than by limiting the overall joy by not celebrating Christmas.

I elaborated that in my Christmas celebration I go out of my way to demonstrate to my friends that I am thinking of them and that they matter to me. We have holidays to celebrate mothers, fathers, and even secretaries/administrative assistants and bosses; to me Christmas operates as “Loved Ones Day,” but with more twinkly lights and sweets. In the same sense that I believe that demonstrating appreciation for the mothers and secretaries in our lives throughout the year is a good idea, demonstrating appreciation for friends and family throughout the year is also important. However, I do not think that this attitude precludes us going a step further one day a year, which we happen to call “Christmas.”

The second client explained to me that Christmas is not the same since her father died. I agreed with her that that was an undeniable truth—Christmas could never be the same. However, I suggested, Christmas did not need to be the same in order for it to be a celebration. No two Christmases are the same anyway. Yes, her life was dramatically changed, but she has gone on with living her life fully during the rest of the year and I did not see the argument for why she chose this particular day out of the year to note the way in which her life is now different. I do not say that to diminish her sense of loss—I genuinely respect that, but to highlight that we have a choice over what parts of our lives grief is going to affect. To anyone who feels hesitant to embrace Christmas because of a loss I would encourage looking at what else about Christmas has been rewarding and to focus and foster that aspect of one’s holiday celebration.

Growing up, Christmas was truly magical to me. My parents really made Christmas special. The first Christmas I spent without my family I made deliberate efforts to find new magic in my celebration—I knew what feelings and experiences I wanted to capture and arranged for it. Each year I now think of what memories and feelings I want to create and go about that. Finding gifts for my friends becomes not a task or chore, but rather and adventure. Each year I get to go on a series of treasure hunts. The best thing is that I get to decide what the treasure is. Some of those hunts go on online as I scour the internet for just the right gift or even in my head as I imagine what my loved ones might enjoy receiving.

Additionally, each year my boyfriend and I make about a thousand cookies and package them up for gifts. This is an exhausting and time consuming process and each year we laugh at ourselves for doing. It is also one of the most fun things we do for Christmas each year, because we do it together and we get to experience the connection that occurs in giving/receiving of a handcrafted gift. This is another part of the Christmas adventure for us.

The outlook that each of us takes toward Christmas is what determines our experience of Christmas. We all know about the “Christmas Spirit,” but if you don’t feel it naturally you can foster it in yourself by changing the way you think about Christmas—by changing your Christmas attitude.

Lessons from the Plant Life in Washington, DC

On the 1800 block of Corcoran St in Washington, DC there are rows of Ginkgo trees. In the fall the leaves turn a bright yellow, and in the late afternoon the angle of the sun is such that it shines on the leaves and turns them into a sea of glowing fans fluttering in the breeze. It is nature at its best. As the summer waned each year that I lived in DC I eagerly awaited the change of those leaves. I have not lived in Washington, DC for over 10 years and the sight of those leaves has stayed with me.

However, the real moment in which my path to savoring was awakened was one time when my then boyfriend and I were walking to meet friends at an appointed time for dinner. Punctuality has been very important to me. I knew the travel time to DuPont Circle and I had arranged for us to leave with just enough time to get to there. As we walked, my boyfriend stopped to smell the roses in someone’s yard. I was frustrated; we were going to be late because he was stopping to smell flowers. Flowers which, by the way, he had just smelled the day before. The smell had not changed since then, and now he was wasting our time! So there I was getting upset that my boyfriend was literally stopping to smell the flowers. That is when I realized that I had been going about living wrongly.

Savoring is the act of fully taking in the stimuli around us. It involves stepping out of the immediate action and imbibing in the environment. Savoring has been shown to increase the positive feelings, gratitude, hopefulness, and self-confidence one experiences. It is also associated with less depression, anxiety, shame, and guilt. It is also simply fun.

Each of us savors in our own way. We can use our 5 basic senses or respond to our kinesthetic sense—the stimuli of our own body’s position and movement. We can also savor directly and indirectly. We can take in the experience of another by seeing or hearing about it and becoming absorbed in that. We can bask in our own or another’s accomplishments. One can also savor the past through reminiscing and in the future through optimism. People who engage in joyful anticipation tend to experience more intense emotions and those that reminisce tend to handle stress better.

One the things that I savor most is watching modern dance. I savor watching how the dancers move their bodies and the emotions and ideas they communicate. I marvel in their ability to communicate deep experiences purely physically; I find it enthralling. But my primary pathway to savoring is touch. I relish the sensation of textures against my skin. I once went to Glick’s (a textiles warehouse) and spent an hour just feeling the fabrics—I left there feeling renwed. It was as if all of my worries just filtered out as the stimuli aroused my finger tips. My current boyfriend savors flavors. He loves trying to figure out the elements of the flavor and how the different seasonings interact with each other. Savoring can be simple, but it can also be thrilling.

Have you ever had a simple sensory experience that absorbed you? Which sensory system or systems were involved? Those are probably your primary savoring paths. Take some time to deliberately delight in stimuli related to those senses. For example, if sound is your primary sensory pathway, then listen to beautiful music or the sounds or children or nature or you can savor indirectly by listening to joyous interactions of others. You also do not have to limit yourself to your primary sensory systems. All of us are capable to savoring through all 6 sensory systems. Dancing or being athletic can be savoring moments that operate on the kinesthetic sense. Perhaps sitting down with pictures from a special time in your life can rekindle joyous moments or planning your next vacation can awaken your bliss within. Whatever works for you, try stopping for a few moments each week and savor your experiences.

Mindfulness

Ever watch TV for hours when there was nothing on? You weren’t looking at a blank screen, but at the end of the period you felt as if you had, or worse? This is the experience of mindlessness, which is the opposite of mindfulness.

Mindless activities do not have goals (or poorly defined ones), are not challenging, and typically leaves one bored or empty—particularly if we do them for too long. The process of decompressing after a long or difficult day is different, though similar. Both acts involve the process of shutting down the mind. However, decompressing involves turning the mind back on, whereas mindlessness does not.

Mindfulness is different from mindlessness in that mindfulness is engaging. It is about awareness and being in the moment. Mindfulness involves becoming aware of the novelties of the moment and attending to the variety of things going on around you. It is being sensitive to the context and perspective. It is not about focusing on a single stimuli or about letting stimuli simply flow into your mind, but to be an active participant in your own experience. Mindfulness requires that one (a) let go of the need to control and to tolerate uncertainty, (b) resist the tendency to engage in automatic behaviors, and (c) to be less evaluative and analytical.

There is a Simpsons’ episode in which Bart has on Ralph’s Chinese finger cuffs and Ralph says “the more you fight the tighter it gets.” I think the same can be said for our desire to control our lives. The more we fight the uncertainty, the tighter the grip our circumstances have on us. But just like Chinese finger cuffs, if we relax we can get free of life’s uncertainty. This is not the same thing as being carefree, but it is allowing the inevitable chaos of our lives to occur and to roll with it. This is something that for many people, especially people that have a strong future orientation, will find difficult.

Passive habits are easy to establish and hard to break. Overall, we like routines. We like to do things the way we have done things—the ways that we have discovered (or at least believe) are easiest. I am not arguing against efficiency or that we continually re-invent the wheel. However, some routines we engage in specifically because they are routine and not because they necessarily serve us, other than to make it so that we don’t have to think. These routines for the sake of routine prevent us from experiencing novelty—novelty that would normally have the potential to inspire and awaken us.

Being aware and awake is explicitly not being evaluative and analytical. It is important to observe without judgment. Instead of asking the question “how do I feel?” ask the question “what do I feel?” Taking in one’s experience without trying to analyze the experience as to whether it is good or bad—most experiences are not inherently good or bad until we apply a judgment to them. This mindset also lessens our need to make ourselves feel good in the moment, which often operates as a distraction from a more genuine happiness.

Research has shown that people you regularly engage in mindfulness experience more joy and fulfillment. Mindfulness has been associated with better resistance to stress and finding more meaning in one’s life, less depression and anxiety, and more rewarding, lower conflict social relationships. Mindful bodybuilding, in which one attends to the sensation of the muscles during lifting, has been shown to produce greater results. There is also evidence that mindfulness increases one’s social or emotional intelligence, which in turn can benefit work relationships.
Being mindful does not occur quickly; it takes practice. There are simple things you can do to increase your mindfulness. You can start by becoming aware of your own body; notice the sensation of your body position or the feel of the seat against your butt and your clothes on your body. Deliberately do a routine in a different way and notice what is different about your experience of that activity. Go for a walk and notice the things that you pass—as a cyclist I have the opportunity to notice things that people do not when they drive; you can notice even more when you walk. Meditation is a great way to achieve this state. You can start by taking 5 minutes once a day to sit still and just feel your breathing. Eventually you would ideally engage in mindful meditation, in which you notice and non-judgmentally dismiss thoughts, twice a day for 20 minutes. Try simple ways that introduce more novel stimuli and make you more aware of your experiences, in non-judgmental ways, and you will be on your way to improved mental health and more enduring happiness.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is perhaps the most difficult path to positive feelings. It is also one of the most effective in riding oneself of negative feelings. There seems to be a reflexive aspect to responding to harm, hurt, and injustice with a desire to distance ourselves or to retaliate. However, the catharsis model of vengeance has been shown to be inaccurate; in fact vengeance has been shown to further foster negative feelings rather than alleviate them. Similarly, holding a grudge generally does not actually hurt the person who transgressed against us, but forgiving can free you. Resentment sustains the pain, whereas forgiveness diminishes it.

Forgiveness is generally defined as decreasing or riding oneself of the desire to harm or distance oneself from another. Sometimes people resist the “forgive and forget” model, and rightly so. As Sonja Lyubomirsky points out, forgiving actually involves sometimes intense reflection upon the injustice in order to forgive. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Nor is it pardoning, excusing, or denial of real harm. It is rather simply the decrease of negative feelings toward another. Robert Enright has defined forgiveness as “a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly hurt us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love toward him or her.” Wishing the best toward someone who has wronged us can be a tall order, but it does not cost us anything and is likely to benefit us through generating more positive feelings.

A few years ago I was betrayed by a very close friend in a public forum. He requested my counsel and when dissatisfied with my advice lied about it and misrepresented me in a public forum. This in turn led to my character being questioned within the local gay male leather community and within the organization of which I had just been elected president. It became a very painful and difficult time for me. Though we have not re-established our friendship, in time, I came to neither wish him harm nor maintain distance from him, and he has since apologized. What I needed in order to forgive him and let go of my hurt was not his apology—I had already forgiven him by the time that came—but to understand his actions. I needed to empathize with his experience and his mental state when the transgression occurred in order to forgive him.

Forgiveness involves understanding the reasons (which are different from excuses) for the behavior. This in turn can diminish the sense of injustice and personal attack that one feels. Through understanding the situation from the offender’s perspective one can de-personalize it; one can see in what way the behaviors made sense to the transgressor at the time. Ask yourself what the person may have been trying to achieve by his or her actions. Ask yourself how your actions may have unintentionally contributed to his or her circumstances or acted as a barrier to them. Ask yourself what life circumstances may have led to the specific context in which the offending behavior occurred. With my friend, I did not need to know the specific details of his circumstances, only that he felt out of control in his life and that my counsel facilitated that feeling rather than help to resolve it. In reality, one’s understanding of the transgressor’s circumstances does not even need to be accurate; simply having a plausible story that one can tell oneself facilitates forgiveness, and engenders compassion.

Occasionally I will have a client who experiences resentment toward someone in a way in which they do not recognize the resentment. Typically they can recognize the hurt and even that the particular person is the source of the hurt, but do not acknowledge the action which led to the hurt as a transgression. Many others, of course, are fully aware of the sense of injustice done to them. If you are experiencing negative feelings toward someone, it may be worth exploring in what way you might feel that person has done you wrong. Even if you are aware that you feel someone has done you wrong, there is a value in stating it explicitly. In doing so, it may be important to remember that acknowledgment of wrongdoing does not mean that you have to sever the bond with that person, but simply that it is the first step in forgiveness.

Ideally, an act of forgiveness would include (1) an explicit statement about how you were harmed, including what was done and how it affected you and (2) a statement of forgiveness including your understanding of the cause of the behavior. A statement of forgiveness either explicitly thought or spoken aloud to yourself or to another are the easiest forms. A letter (or email) of forgiveness to the transgressor, even if unsent, can be even more powerful. Of course, the face-to-face declaration can be the most beneficial. It is important to consider what affect or repercussions a delivered forgiveness may have before it is pursued—do not do so in a way that re-opens old wounds in a relationship or makes yourself vulnerable to further hurt.

Forgiveness is not something one does for another. As stated before, whether you engage in forgiveness or not is likely to have little effect on the life of the person against whom you hold a grudge. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself in order to rid yourself of negative feelings that decrease the quality of your life. Act to reduce the resentment in your life and in return decrease the anger and anxiety you feel in exchange for becoming healthier, more agreeable, and more serene.

Gratitude: Giving Thanks

Sometimes when we try to think of things that we are grateful for, we instead think of what we don’t possess. When I was in fourth grade my class had to write an essay on what we were grateful for. As I sat there I thought about how I was the second smartest kid in the class when it came to math. I was the third fastest runner in the class. I was not the best looking, funniest, or most popular. I was not a good speller. A lot of my clothes were hand-me-downs or came from discount stores. I did not have my own room. My family did not get to go on as neat of vacations as some of my classmates. There was nothing that I was grateful for. After awhile I found myself crying as I began to feel sorry for myself, and not particularly special.

My teacher, Mr. Tecler, noticed this and invited out into the hallway where he sat with me and talked with me. He told me about his son who had a birth defect and described for me how difficult it was for him to use his hands to even eat. He did not try to convince me of what made me special or what was special in my life. Instead he taught me not to take simple things for granted. He taught me the beginnings of gratitude. To this day I regularly express gratitude for my working limbs and organs. I am also grateful to Mr. Tecler for this lesson.

My Merriam-Webster dictionary defines gratitude as: the state of being grateful; thankfulness. Happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky describes gratitude as wonder, appreciation, savoring, fathoming abundance, being thankful to God or another, and not taking for granted. We all have been told to be grateful throughout our lives (“always say thank you”). But why is gratitude important or valuable, beyond being polite? Gratitude is actually good for your health.

Research has shown that people who foster a sense of gratitude are happier, more energetic, and more hopeful. They experience more positive emotions. It is actually difficult to feel bad when you are being grateful. People who are grateful also experience fewer health symptoms. Furthermore, it is not just that people who are grateful also experience all of these things, but rather when people have deliberately engaged in gratitude these positive aspects followed; there is support for a causal relationship between gratitude and positive mental and physical health.

As Lyubomirsky points out, gratitude helps us extract the greatest joy and satisfaction from our experiences. It also promotes self-worth and self-esteem as we recognize how much people have done for us and how much we have accomplished. It likewise reduces our need to compare ourselves to others as we appreciate the things in our own life. Research has also shown that gratitude promotes better coping with trauma and stress. It increases the occurrence of moral and altruistic behavior. Valuing our friendships more increases the strength and benefit of those friendships.

Something as simple as fostering a sense of gratitude can have a plethora of positive effects. How often do you count your blessings? Writing down 5 things you are grateful for once a week has been shown to be beneficial. Writing a letter or note of gratitude to someone who has provided you something in your life can have lasting favorable affects. I wrote a thank you note to my parents for being my parents and all that that experience gave me a number of years ago and it still gives both me and them positive feelings .I will be writing thank you cards this week, thanking people for being in my life. I will share with them how simply having them in my life has enhanced it, and how I appreciate that. It seems like a good time to begin fostering feelings of gratitude.

Seligman's Happiness Formula

It turns out that research suggests that happiness is not simply a temporary emotional state, but can also be an enduring trait, a baseline of happiness day to day. Martin Seligman, perhaps the leading figure in positive psychology, has proposed a simple formula for this general happiness specific to each individual:

H = S + C + V

Research suggests that trait happiness is about 50% inherited. Within positive psychology, this is referred to as one’s set range (S in the formula). The set range can also be affected by enduring negative events (e.g., death of a loved one, poverty), but not so much by the good things that happen in our life. Things that generate the momentary happiness do not seem to affect one’s overall trait happiness. The concept of the “hedonistic treadmill” claims that we adapt to the positive changes in our life (e.g., wealth accumulation and accomplishments) so that they do not have an enduring effect on our overall happiness. These positive changes are very strong with regard to momentary happiness, but do much less to affect one’s base line of happiness.

Another factor affecting trait happiness is our circumstances (C in the formula). Wealth, it turns out, has a minimal effect on happiness. Once one achieves a comfortable living, then additional wealth does little, in itself, to increase base rate happiness. Living in a culture which promotes a sense of freedom positively affects one’s base happiness. Poor health notably affects base happiness only when it becomes extensive or pervasive. Having a chronic illness does not seem to affect long-term happiness, even within a year of diagnosis. Having a meaningful romantic relationship is associated with a higher happiness base rate, but which causes which is not clear. Similarly, having a strong social network is also associated with greater base happiness, but the cause and effect relationship has not been teased out yet. General wisdom in psychology does suggest that having a strong social network and satisfying romantic relationship will lead to greater base happiness. Religions with a strong sense of hope also contribute to greater happiness. Most of our other circumstances (e.g., race, gender, sexual orientation, geographic location) do not appear to have much effect on general happiness. Most of our circumstances are things that we are not able to have much of an effect on. Fortunately, circumstances appear to only contribute to about 10% of happiness.

The remaining 40% of base rate happiness appears to be determined by how we think about the past, present, and future. These are factors that are fully under our control; they are voluntary (V in the formula). If you believe that your future is bound by your past, you are likely to have less general happiness. While past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, past events are not a good predictor of future events—except in that patterns of behavior carried from the past into the future create opportunities and events.

If you dwell on your past you are almost assuredly going to experience less overall happiness. But if you accentuate gratitude then you increase the overall positive feelings that you have. Likewise, if you emphasize forgiveness, then you reduce the negative feelings that you experience. This does not mean that one should prohibit himself or herself from having memories, but by changing the way you think about the past and what you choose to reflect on, you can dramatically change the balance of negative and positive feelings you experience.

Living in the present involves being mindful, experiencing the pleasures of life, and engaging in the gratifications of life. Mindfulness refers to being more aware of what one is experiencing right now. This includes noticing the physical world around oneself and the physical world within oneself. It can include considering the realities of the people around us and often involves our adjusting our perspective. This can help us enjoy the pleasures of life, which are intense sensory and emotional experiences in life. Gratification is the process of activity engaging in the activities in life that we enjoy. Emphasizing the pleasures and gratifications of life involves deliberately experiencing the world more fully in enjoyable ways. This specifically excludes focusing on the past and agonizing about the future.

Similar to dwelling in the past, worrying about the future decreases overall happiness. Just as memories are not discouraged, dreaming about the future, even fantasizing, can be positive. Having a sense of hope and a sense of being able to bring into being positive events in the future increases one’s happiness base rates. In other words, a greater sense of optimism will imcrease one’s overall general happiness.

By changing upon what you focus you can genuinely change the base level of happiness in your life. Rather than being Pollyanna-esque, this idea recognizes that not everyone is going to achieve bliss, but it also states that no one has to be in the depths of sadness. It also recognizes that changing the way one thinks about the past, present, and the future is not easy, and may not be quick. But it does use empirical research to acknowledge that everyone can significantly alter his or her overall life satisfaction through changing the way he or she thinks.

Rules are Made to be Broken?

A phrase, or idea, that has always kind of bothered me is “rules are made to be broken.” I tend to be a bit of a rule follower. I generally do not feel the need to break rules just for the sake of breaking them. If the intent of the phrase is that there are always exception to a rule, that is an idea I can accept, but this is actually rather different than the way I have frequently seen the phrase commonly interpreted in contemporary society. Often, this notion is used to disregard rules, rather than to acknowledge exceptions to rules.

When I was in high school, I knowingly broke the city-wide curfew. When I lived in a state with a sodomy law, I intentionally broke that law (as frequently as I could). These were rules that I broke because I disagreed with them. I did not break these rules because they “were made to be broken.” My behavior reflected a deliberate and considered rejection of the rule.

Texas has a history of lawlessness and rebellion and individuality. A history in which many Texans are very proud. I can appreciate the pride in being a rebel, I felt that in the examples I just mentioned in my own breaking of rules. However, I have experienced more running of red light in Houston than any other place I have lived. I sometimes believe this results from a perspective of rules as “made to be broken,” grounded in Texan independence. If the logic of this idea follows, then red lights were instituted to give pedestrians and other drivers a false sense of security and safety? That seems like a pretty twisted practical joke to me.

Lawrence Kohlberg published in 1958 his theory of moral reasoning. His theory grounded the development of moral reasoning skills in increasing conceptualizations of justice. People in the highest stage, within his theory, view rules as useful and generally valid, but not essential to follow—that they could be challenged. But challenges to those rules are grounded in a sense of individually developed ethics and do not reject rules that abide with one’s own moral code. In other words, disobeying results from a critical examination of the rule. The sentiment behind “rules are made to be broken” does not fit this ethical standard. In fact, it fits a rather immature ethical paradigm.

My object with the notion is not that it is immature, but rather that it is blatantly disrespectful. It is the violation of a contract, perhaps simply an unspoken social contract, but a contract nonetheless. This becomes particularly problematic when the notion is applied to relationships, where there becomes a clear victim of the lack of respect.

Occasionally I will have a client who behaves in his (or her) relationship as if the rules of the relationship are made to be broken. I have yet to experience this mindset applied to the benefit of the partner mind you, but only to the benefit of the one breaking the rule. I have also yet to see a situation in which the application of this mindset does not undermine the relationship, and frequently lead to other being hurt. The idea has become associated with the idea of independence, which we value in this country. But it is not an expression of independence as much as it is an expression of justification of selfish behavior. It does not represent a true ethical consideration.

In Kohlberg’s theory, a person who uses mature moral reasoning to disregard a rule does so by considering the behavior of one’s partner if one’s partner had the same opportunity to break the rule (not how would one feel if his or her partner were to break the rule, though this may be worth considering as well). Would your partner be so cavalier in breaking the rule? If so, then I would ask why the two of you even have the rule. Perhaps you really did just make the rule so that you could break it? That just seems unlikely.

If you find yourself breaking rules in your relationship, ask yourself why you agreed to the rule in the first place. If you think that the rule is a reasonable rule, then you might want to ask yourself why you made the rule with this particular person. You are probably not breaking the rule “because it was made,” but rather because it does not work for you in some way. Consider modifying the circumstances that lead to the rule not being broken (which may include the rule itself), but I would encourage you to discontinue blatantly disrespecting your partner.

Pretending to be Someone Else

It is that time of year that people dress up and have fun being someone else for the night. Some people like to live out, even if just for a night, the idea of being that thing they have always wanted to be. Others dress up to make a statement, such as mocking popular cultural figures, religion, or politics. I think this sort of escapism and freedom is pretty healthy. I might be biased though, since my mom owned a costume shop as I was growing up I benefitted from people’s desire to dress up and play out an alternative role.

Some people, however, play out an alternative role throughout the year, without letting others see their true self. This is perhaps most frequently done out of fear that their true self is unacceptable. A number of psychologists have written about this phenomenon across the years. Carl Rogers referred the idea of the “authentic self,” in which he meant living as one is naturally, rather than to please the people around you or as one thinks he or she should be. Karen Horney described the conflict between the “real self” and the “ideal self” as a “tyranny of the shoulds.” In this she referred to the rules that we put upon our own thoughts and behaviors that lead us toward a perceived perfection: the things we should do. She considered this a root cause of neurosis.

In existential theory, which I tend to follow, the term for the neurosis that occurs is called existential guilt. This is different from what I call “catholic guilt,” which is the guilt for having engaged in behavior that is against one’s own moral code. I use the term “catholic guilt” because it easily expresses the idea that one feels he or she has violated a sacred rule—the pangs of moral consciousness that we all experience from time to time. Catholic guilt is a guilt that we can apologize for. Existential guilt is the guilt (anxiety) we feel for living in ways that are not what we know to be true of ourselves. Existential guilt cannot be apologized for, because the person being offended is oneself. Existential guilt often leads us to engage in specific behavior that generate catholic guilt—we do things that we feel or know violate our own moral code in order to appear to be the person we want to be (seen as), rather than the person we know ourselves to be.

I have consistently found that my clients engage in behaviors that are not in their best interest and violate their own moral code in order to appear more like their “ideal self.” They will lie or cheat in order to not destroy the image they have created for the world to see—the person they think they are supposed to be. They do things that do not feel right to them in order to appear as they “should” appear: I should have been able to get that project completed so I will tell everyone that I did and just wing it. The engage in immoral behavior in order to appear as moral.

In reality, people know that others are flawed. We all recognize that no one lives up to their ideal self. When I have been able to convince my clients to be more honest about their errors, explain the reasons for them, and take responsibility for them, they have found that the people around them have been very understanding and accepting. In being honest about the ways in which we are not perfect we experience less existential guilt and subsequently engage in fewer behaviors that cause “catholic guilt.” Pretending to be someone else on Halloween is fun, but doing it throughout the year usually causes more problems than it solves.

Run Lola Run: German Psychoanalysis and a Fun little Movie

The movie that I reference in my practice more than any other is Run Lola Run. It is a German film that it seems very few people have seen. The gist of the story is that Lola (Franka Potente) has 20 minutes to get 100,000 German Marks to save her boyfriend Manni (Moritz Bleibtreu) and her interactions with people along the way—often through flash forward. The movie consists of three tellings of the story, each with a different outcome. It operates off of the “butterfly effect” (which according to Wikipedia, is the idea “that small differences in the initial condition of a dynamical system may produce large variations in the long term behavior of the system”). The whole movie is a bit of an adrenaline rush. It also is a great reference to Karen’s Horney’s theory of personality. As such, I think it also contains a great life lesson.

Without giving away the details of the movie, Lola’s encounter with a mean dog in the opening of each version of her saga affects the outcome of both her and Manni’s lives, but also the people whom she encounters along with way. The thing I like about the movie is that of her three encounters with the dog (fear, hostility, and confidence or indifference) determines the rest of the story.. I think this is a great metaphor for the idea that how we approach our world determines the quality of it. Each of these approaches that Lola takes is similar to an aspect of Horney’s theory. Horney described three interpersonal approaches: moving away from people, moving against people, and moving toward people. Horney was German born and developed her theory in Germany, before moving to the US—I wonder how aware the film makers were that they were referencing one of the great German Psychiatrists.

Moving away from people is marked by detachment and withdrawal (Lola’s fear of the dog). In the sequence in which Lola responds to fear of the dog she demonstrates withdrawal—an unwillingness to encounter. If we approach our world with fear or hesitation we miss out on life. Inaction deprives us of experiences and things that we want, and can have terrible consequences. Most people who live their lives anxious are actually aware of the cost, but have not mustered the courage to change.

Moving against people is marked by aggression (Lola’s hostility toward the dog). People who approach the world with hostility and antagonism tend to be less aware of the impact of their approach, but suffer no less for it. I think all of us can recognize how we have deprived aggressive people. They do not engender feelings of cooperation—nor do they seek cooperation. Instead of working with others they simply take what they want, and end up with less. They fear changing and trusting the world.

Moving toward people is marked by pro-social behaviors, a loving, respectful response (Lola’s confidence or indifference in the face of a mean dog). Horney wrote that this approach can be pathological when it achieves a level of dependence. But I think that if we take a loving approach toward others, in which we do not succumb to the fears and hostility of others, we will have a more enjoyable life. This engenders an attitude of understanding, tolerance, and compassion. People who work toward the benefit of others usually benefit in return. People who are concentrated on relationships and trust in them, without becoming anxious about them, tend to be the most rewarded. I think there is also an element of not allowing oneself to be intimidated or angered by the people (or objects or events) in the world that are hostile. Reach out to those that welcome you and you improve your chances of having rewarding relationships. Be aware of those that exploit the relationship either for their own purposes or for their own security. And check out the movie Run Lola Run for your own lesson.

A couple of weeks ago I found myself riding my bike home from work angry, looking for a fight. I had just heard of yet another suicide related to anti-gay bullying. I was angry that my community was under attack and wanted revenge. I was revisited by the disgust that I felt in 1989 when the Bush (senior) administration tried to suppress its own Health and Human Service Department’s findings that approximately 30% of teen suicides were related to sexual orientation—the feeling that my government would rather have dead teenagers than have to implement programs to help gay teens. The idea that our government or our culture would seemingly prefer that gay teens kill themselves than that they be allowed to grow up to be gay adults makes me cry, and makes me angry. I recognize that this is not the prevailing attitude of America, but it seems to still be a prominent enough of one to frighten me.

I was not bullied growing up; I was “the strange kid” not “the gay kid.” However, I had created a story for my life that involved me never being accepted or happy and I considered suicide many times. I used to slice my fingers in an attempt to condition myself for the pain of when I finally did the cut that would matter. I never actually attempted suicide, but I put myself at risk frequently—because it did not matter whether I lived or died. I recently received a message from a friend from H.S. who remembers my suicidal thoughts and thanked me for still being here. He reminded me that I once crossed a highway by climbing along the outside of the fencing on the overpass—after all, what sort of life could a gay guy have anyway?

My partner was bullied. He was tormented and driven into the closet around the age of 12 when kids threw stones and shot BB guns at him upon finding out that he and another neighbor boy were engaging in sex together. I see the damage that period did to him still. The damage those kids did to him back then is a part of my life today.

All of this was welling up in me the night I was riding home from the office. My partner was in Florida visiting friends and family and I went home to an empty house with these feelings. I went out to the bar that night, but I didn’t talk to anyone about what I was feeling; the bar did not feel like the right place. When my partner got back to Houston we talked about the suicides and the “It Gets Better Project.” This was the first time that I was able to express my feelings. I realized that the pain of growing up gay in what felt like a hostile world (I came out during the Regan administration) came rushing back to me. It was as if I was being re-traumatized by these kids’ suicides. I doubt I am the only one who felt that way.

I suspect that many gay and lesbian (and bi and transgendered) adults who have been hearing about the recent publicized spate of gay-related suicides have been re-experiencing that sensation of living in a hostile world that we were able to (at least partially) escape in adulthood. Even those of us for whom it has gotten better can still feel the pain of when we were younger. We may not feel justified in our own pain—after all, our lives did get better—instead we focus our feelings on the kids who killed themselves and the kids that continue to suffer. I certainly think that the kids today deserve our concern and attention, but I think we may need to remember to take care of ourselves as well when these memories rise.

I think doing an “It Gets Better” video is a great way to engage in the catharsis of this pain. It can help remind us that our lives have and do get better. But simply sharing your story with loved ones can also be helpful. I think it is important that we tell each other of our experiences—either of the past or of our current reactions to what is going on—and validate each other. Parallel to these suicides the courts appear to be dealing DOMA and DADT fatal blows; we may need to remind ourselves as adults, that, yes, things do get better.

I am...

I have a couple of clients that are struggling with the question of who am I. The idea of finding oneself has been the subject of jokes for years, but it can be a real problem. Both of the clients I have experience anxiety as a result of not having a clear identity. They both have been stuck in their lives, unsure as to what they want to achieve or the path that they want to choose for themselves. When questioned about their interests and ideas they feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, the less obvious one’s interests and ideas are to others, the more they are asked about them, so my clients are frequently “attacked” (as they experience) around their lack of a clear identity. Ever ask yourself “who am I?”

When I asked each of them tell me about themselves they practically froze, they had no idea where to begin. Eventually each was able to tell me about some of their personal traits. In western or individualistic cultures we tend to think of ourselves as a collection of our personality traits. These are usually the first things that come to mind when asked about ourselves. In time, people in western or individualistic cultures will begin mentioning their involvement in hobbies, social roles, and group affiliations. In eastern or collectivist cultures a person’s social roles or group affiliations tend to be the first things that come to mind, followed by more personal traits.

Social roles refers to your relationships to others—brother, mother, friend, lover, boss, employee, membership or position in an organization, and occupation. Group identification can be as basic as gender, race/ethnicity and religious affiliation or personal as a hobby or an association with a group that involves a less formal involvement in an organization or club (Democrat vs. Precinct Chair, Alcoholic). Social and group traits tend to be in the form of “I am a...” Neither of these clients eventually offered any social roles or group affiliations. Neither of them felt that they were part of something. Both of my clients have difficulty or feel awkward in social situations—they have no social context in which to situate their behavior.

Thinking of oneself in terms of personal traits is healthy, but not in the absence of any socially-based identifiers. A sense of belongingness is a fundamental need. It is where we acquire a sense of protection, and frequently purpose. According to former American Psychological Association president Abraham Maslow, it is also foundational for self-esteem. Specifically, we value our personal traits because we experience them being accepted and valued by others. We are unsure if intelligence is valued until others express appreciation for it. Without a sense of association we fail to value our own personal traits and we fail to move forward.

If you are finding yourself stuck or if you are reassessing your goals it may be worth asking yourself “who am I?” Reflect upon what your answers tell you. It may be worth reflecting on how you would have answered before you got stuck to see how your identity has changed—usually our personal traits don’t change much, but our social aspects have.

Here’s Mine:
I am a gay white male
I am a psychotherapist
I am well educated
I am intelligent
I am simultaneously a student and a professional

I am caring and generous
I am a son
I am a good partner
I am a cyclist
I am a democratic socialist
I am clever and witty
I am silly
I am a community leader

I Have a Cold Today

A number of years ago, before I had graduated college I was talking with my therapist, a psychiatrist, and mentioned that I thought the recent cold and rain had caused me to have a cold. He reminded me that the weather doesn’t cause illness. I was well aware that colds are caused by viruses, but still felt that my cold was associated with the unpleasant weather. If the weather was not related to colds, then why did cold and flu season occur during the fall, when the temperatures drops (and at least in DC where I was living) there tended to be more rain?

So now in my professional capacity as a therapist I think I understand the connection, at least partially. How we feel affects the immune system. This appears to happen on two levels. The first one is that when we feel bad it affects our brain chemistry, which in turn affects our immune functioning. Specifically, the amount of catecholamine neurotransmitters decreases, at least during prolonged mental discomfort. This is turn cause an increase in endorphins, which in turn decreases immune functioning. The second level appears to involve our endocrine system. During times of stress (real or imagined threat) our body allocates resources to address the threat—primarily through the flight or fight response. Immune functioning is not a high priority when under attack, so the cortisol the body releases suppresses immune functioning so that more of our resources can be directed at getting ourselves out of threat. As a consequence, the viruses and bacteria that we may normally fight off well get an advantage and we become more likely to become ill.

Granted, I am not a medical doctor and this is a simplistic explanation. However, it is worth considering that in the 20 years since my therapist told me that the cold and rain couldn’t cause my cold, we have discovered that my reaction to the unpleasant weather most likely made me more susceptible to the virus that caused my cold. I hope that we all take this into consideration as the cooler weather approaches—take care of your mental health and your physical health will follow.

Love, Obligation, Familiarity, and Fear

I frequently have clients that recognize that they are in bad (or at least unsatisfying) relationships. When I ask them why they stay in the relationship, I typically get one of four answers: love, obligation, familiarity, or fear. They frequently tell me that they know they shouldn’t be in the relationship but cannot bring themselves to leave the relationship, for one of these reasons.

Love is a good reason to stay in a relationship. But when I ask my clients how they know they are in love, I am most frequently met with blank stares. I will grant that explaining the sensation of love is difficult. However, a desire to be with the person is fundamental to that. I do not mean a desire to continue the relationship or because “we have been together a long time.” These explanations are more akin to obligation (which I will get to next). What I mean is a willingness and desire to go out of your way to spend time with the person; a joy at seeing the person at the end of the day or at receiving a call or text from the person in the middle of the day. Love is an intense emotional attachment and longing. If you have been in love, you know the feeling. I would also caution that love is not simply being taken care of or treated well—that is being supported, a part of love granted, but not love.

A desire to continue the relationship, not because of feelings, but because it is the right thing to do is perhaps the most frequent reason I receive. This is particularly epidemic in GLB and non-traditional (poly, open, BDSM) relationships. There seems to be a feeling that we will have failed our community if we terminate our relationship. Within these communities there appears to be a feeling that we have an obligation to sustain one’s relationship in order to counter the stereotype that these types of relationships never last. There almost seems to be a prioritizing of being a good role model over being happy in one’s relationship. In what way is being miserable in a relationship being a good role model?

For others, this sense of obligation takes on a more personal form, usually in the shape of either owing it to the other or being unwilling to be in a failed relationship. I have some thoughts on the concept of “failed relationships,” but I will post those some other time. For now, I simply ask: “what is so horrible about having been in a failed relationship?” It is as if having made a mistake in either picking the wrong partner or in being unable to grow together says that the person is a bad person. Having a failed relationship is not the equivalent to being a failed person. In fact, I think it is easier to make the argument that staying a relationship in which one is unhappy is a bigger act of failing as a person than is leaving that relationship. With regard to owing it to a partner, I find it difficult to think of circumstances that would authentically oblige one to a life of unhappiness; I wonder what debt is worth spending one’s life distressed. Furthermore, it seems that being miserable with someone is a poor way to repay a debt.

I think familiarity and fear are really two sides of the same coin. Familiarity is the safety of the known. Frequently this takes the form of “I know the worst that this gets, but I don’t how bad it would be outside of this relationship.” I suspect that fear is, in fact, at the root of all of these reasons. The primary fear appears to be the fear of being alone. In other words, it is better to be actively miserable within this relationship than it would be to risk being passively miserable alone. Moreover, this thinking suggests that it is better to sustain one’s current pain than the pain of being alone, which also offers the option for a different, satisfying relationship down the road. Fear is a powerful motivator. I relate to wanting to be in a relationship—it provides both companionship and validation, or at least the concept of the relationship does. But if the relationship doesn’t actually provide meaningful companionship and validation, then you are not getting from the relationship what you are in it for, and you are miserable on top of that.

I don’t mean to say that relationships with problems are not worth working on and fighting for. However, I encourage people to ask themselves what they are actually struggling for. What is at the heart of the motivation? Perhaps most importantly, ask yourself early enough in the relationship—when problems first emerge—so that answer can genuinely still be Love, and not just the concept of love, obligation, familiarity and fear.