Rules are Made to be Broken?

A phrase, or idea, that has always kind of bothered me is “rules are made to be broken.” I tend to be a bit of a rule follower. I generally do not feel the need to break rules just for the sake of breaking them. If the intent of the phrase is that there are always exception to a rule, that is an idea I can accept, but this is actually rather different than the way I have frequently seen the phrase commonly interpreted in contemporary society. Often, this notion is used to disregard rules, rather than to acknowledge exceptions to rules.

When I was in high school, I knowingly broke the city-wide curfew. When I lived in a state with a sodomy law, I intentionally broke that law (as frequently as I could). These were rules that I broke because I disagreed with them. I did not break these rules because they “were made to be broken.” My behavior reflected a deliberate and considered rejection of the rule.

Texas has a history of lawlessness and rebellion and individuality. A history in which many Texans are very proud. I can appreciate the pride in being a rebel, I felt that in the examples I just mentioned in my own breaking of rules. However, I have experienced more running of red light in Houston than any other place I have lived. I sometimes believe this results from a perspective of rules as “made to be broken,” grounded in Texan independence. If the logic of this idea follows, then red lights were instituted to give pedestrians and other drivers a false sense of security and safety? That seems like a pretty twisted practical joke to me.

Lawrence Kohlberg published in 1958 his theory of moral reasoning. His theory grounded the development of moral reasoning skills in increasing conceptualizations of justice. People in the highest stage, within his theory, view rules as useful and generally valid, but not essential to follow—that they could be challenged. But challenges to those rules are grounded in a sense of individually developed ethics and do not reject rules that abide with one’s own moral code. In other words, disobeying results from a critical examination of the rule. The sentiment behind “rules are made to be broken” does not fit this ethical standard. In fact, it fits a rather immature ethical paradigm.

My object with the notion is not that it is immature, but rather that it is blatantly disrespectful. It is the violation of a contract, perhaps simply an unspoken social contract, but a contract nonetheless. This becomes particularly problematic when the notion is applied to relationships, where there becomes a clear victim of the lack of respect.

Occasionally I will have a client who behaves in his (or her) relationship as if the rules of the relationship are made to be broken. I have yet to experience this mindset applied to the benefit of the partner mind you, but only to the benefit of the one breaking the rule. I have also yet to see a situation in which the application of this mindset does not undermine the relationship, and frequently lead to other being hurt. The idea has become associated with the idea of independence, which we value in this country. But it is not an expression of independence as much as it is an expression of justification of selfish behavior. It does not represent a true ethical consideration.

In Kohlberg’s theory, a person who uses mature moral reasoning to disregard a rule does so by considering the behavior of one’s partner if one’s partner had the same opportunity to break the rule (not how would one feel if his or her partner were to break the rule, though this may be worth considering as well). Would your partner be so cavalier in breaking the rule? If so, then I would ask why the two of you even have the rule. Perhaps you really did just make the rule so that you could break it? That just seems unlikely.

If you find yourself breaking rules in your relationship, ask yourself why you agreed to the rule in the first place. If you think that the rule is a reasonable rule, then you might want to ask yourself why you made the rule with this particular person. You are probably not breaking the rule “because it was made,” but rather because it does not work for you in some way. Consider modifying the circumstances that lead to the rule not being broken (which may include the rule itself), but I would encourage you to discontinue blatantly disrespecting your partner.