Forgiveness

Forgiveness is perhaps the most difficult path to positive feelings. It is also one of the most effective in riding oneself of negative feelings. There seems to be a reflexive aspect to responding to harm, hurt, and injustice with a desire to distance ourselves or to retaliate. However, the catharsis model of vengeance has been shown to be inaccurate; in fact vengeance has been shown to further foster negative feelings rather than alleviate them. Similarly, holding a grudge generally does not actually hurt the person who transgressed against us, but forgiving can free you. Resentment sustains the pain, whereas forgiveness diminishes it.

Forgiveness is generally defined as decreasing or riding oneself of the desire to harm or distance oneself from another. Sometimes people resist the “forgive and forget” model, and rightly so. As Sonja Lyubomirsky points out, forgiving actually involves sometimes intense reflection upon the injustice in order to forgive. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Nor is it pardoning, excusing, or denial of real harm. It is rather simply the decrease of negative feelings toward another. Robert Enright has defined forgiveness as “a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly hurt us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love toward him or her.” Wishing the best toward someone who has wronged us can be a tall order, but it does not cost us anything and is likely to benefit us through generating more positive feelings.

A few years ago I was betrayed by a very close friend in a public forum. He requested my counsel and when dissatisfied with my advice lied about it and misrepresented me in a public forum. This in turn led to my character being questioned within the local gay male leather community and within the organization of which I had just been elected president. It became a very painful and difficult time for me. Though we have not re-established our friendship, in time, I came to neither wish him harm nor maintain distance from him, and he has since apologized. What I needed in order to forgive him and let go of my hurt was not his apology—I had already forgiven him by the time that came—but to understand his actions. I needed to empathize with his experience and his mental state when the transgression occurred in order to forgive him.

Forgiveness involves understanding the reasons (which are different from excuses) for the behavior. This in turn can diminish the sense of injustice and personal attack that one feels. Through understanding the situation from the offender’s perspective one can de-personalize it; one can see in what way the behaviors made sense to the transgressor at the time. Ask yourself what the person may have been trying to achieve by his or her actions. Ask yourself how your actions may have unintentionally contributed to his or her circumstances or acted as a barrier to them. Ask yourself what life circumstances may have led to the specific context in which the offending behavior occurred. With my friend, I did not need to know the specific details of his circumstances, only that he felt out of control in his life and that my counsel facilitated that feeling rather than help to resolve it. In reality, one’s understanding of the transgressor’s circumstances does not even need to be accurate; simply having a plausible story that one can tell oneself facilitates forgiveness, and engenders compassion.

Occasionally I will have a client who experiences resentment toward someone in a way in which they do not recognize the resentment. Typically they can recognize the hurt and even that the particular person is the source of the hurt, but do not acknowledge the action which led to the hurt as a transgression. Many others, of course, are fully aware of the sense of injustice done to them. If you are experiencing negative feelings toward someone, it may be worth exploring in what way you might feel that person has done you wrong. Even if you are aware that you feel someone has done you wrong, there is a value in stating it explicitly. In doing so, it may be important to remember that acknowledgment of wrongdoing does not mean that you have to sever the bond with that person, but simply that it is the first step in forgiveness.

Ideally, an act of forgiveness would include (1) an explicit statement about how you were harmed, including what was done and how it affected you and (2) a statement of forgiveness including your understanding of the cause of the behavior. A statement of forgiveness either explicitly thought or spoken aloud to yourself or to another are the easiest forms. A letter (or email) of forgiveness to the transgressor, even if unsent, can be even more powerful. Of course, the face-to-face declaration can be the most beneficial. It is important to consider what affect or repercussions a delivered forgiveness may have before it is pursued—do not do so in a way that re-opens old wounds in a relationship or makes yourself vulnerable to further hurt.

Forgiveness is not something one does for another. As stated before, whether you engage in forgiveness or not is likely to have little effect on the life of the person against whom you hold a grudge. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself in order to rid yourself of negative feelings that decrease the quality of your life. Act to reduce the resentment in your life and in return decrease the anger and anxiety you feel in exchange for becoming healthier, more agreeable, and more serene.