I have a couple of clients that are struggling with the question of who am I. The idea of finding oneself has been the subject of jokes for years, but it can be a real problem. Both of the clients I have experience anxiety as a result of not having a clear identity. They both have been stuck in their lives, unsure as to what they want to achieve or the path that they want to choose for themselves. When questioned about their interests and ideas they feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, the less obvious one’s interests and ideas are to others, the more they are asked about them, so my clients are frequently “attacked” (as they experience) around their lack of a clear identity. Ever ask yourself “who am I?”
When I asked each of them tell me about themselves they practically froze, they had no idea where to begin. Eventually each was able to tell me about some of their personal traits. In western or individualistic cultures we tend to think of ourselves as a collection of our personality traits. These are usually the first things that come to mind when asked about ourselves. In time, people in western or individualistic cultures will begin mentioning their involvement in hobbies, social roles, and group affiliations. In eastern or collectivist cultures a person’s social roles or group affiliations tend to be the first things that come to mind, followed by more personal traits.
Social roles refers to your relationships to others—brother, mother, friend, lover, boss, employee, membership or position in an organization, and occupation. Group identification can be as basic as gender, race/ethnicity and religious affiliation or personal as a hobby or an association with a group that involves a less formal involvement in an organization or club (Democrat vs. Precinct Chair, Alcoholic). Social and group traits tend to be in the form of “I am a...” Neither of these clients eventually offered any social roles or group affiliations. Neither of them felt that they were part of something. Both of my clients have difficulty or feel awkward in social situations—they have no social context in which to situate their behavior.
Thinking of oneself in terms of personal traits is healthy, but not in the absence of any socially-based identifiers. A sense of belongingness is a fundamental need. It is where we acquire a sense of protection, and frequently purpose. According to former American Psychological Association president Abraham Maslow, it is also foundational for self-esteem. Specifically, we value our personal traits because we experience them being accepted and valued by others. We are unsure if intelligence is valued until others express appreciation for it. Without a sense of association we fail to value our own personal traits and we fail to move forward.
If you are finding yourself stuck or if you are reassessing your goals it may be worth asking yourself “who am I?” Reflect upon what your answers tell you. It may be worth reflecting on how you would have answered before you got stuck to see how your identity has changed—usually our personal traits don’t change much, but our social aspects have.
Here’s Mine:
I am a gay white male
I am a psychotherapist
I am well educated
I am intelligent
I am simultaneously a student and a professional
I am caring and generousWhen I asked each of them tell me about themselves they practically froze, they had no idea where to begin. Eventually each was able to tell me about some of their personal traits. In western or individualistic cultures we tend to think of ourselves as a collection of our personality traits. These are usually the first things that come to mind when asked about ourselves. In time, people in western or individualistic cultures will begin mentioning their involvement in hobbies, social roles, and group affiliations. In eastern or collectivist cultures a person’s social roles or group affiliations tend to be the first things that come to mind, followed by more personal traits.
Social roles refers to your relationships to others—brother, mother, friend, lover, boss, employee, membership or position in an organization, and occupation. Group identification can be as basic as gender, race/ethnicity and religious affiliation or personal as a hobby or an association with a group that involves a less formal involvement in an organization or club (Democrat vs. Precinct Chair, Alcoholic). Social and group traits tend to be in the form of “I am a...” Neither of these clients eventually offered any social roles or group affiliations. Neither of them felt that they were part of something. Both of my clients have difficulty or feel awkward in social situations—they have no social context in which to situate their behavior.
Thinking of oneself in terms of personal traits is healthy, but not in the absence of any socially-based identifiers. A sense of belongingness is a fundamental need. It is where we acquire a sense of protection, and frequently purpose. According to former American Psychological Association president Abraham Maslow, it is also foundational for self-esteem. Specifically, we value our personal traits because we experience them being accepted and valued by others. We are unsure if intelligence is valued until others express appreciation for it. Without a sense of association we fail to value our own personal traits and we fail to move forward.
If you are finding yourself stuck or if you are reassessing your goals it may be worth asking yourself “who am I?” Reflect upon what your answers tell you. It may be worth reflecting on how you would have answered before you got stuck to see how your identity has changed—usually our personal traits don’t change much, but our social aspects have.
Here’s Mine:
I am a gay white male
I am a psychotherapist
I am well educated
I am intelligent
I am simultaneously a student and a professional
I am a son
I am a good partner
I am a cyclist
I am a democratic socialist
I am clever and witty
I am silly
I am a community leader
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