Selfishness or Self-preservation

I’ve had a lot of clients who struggle to take care of their own needs, instead sacrificing for another. When queried about this tendency they usually use the “selfish defense.” By the selfish defense I mean that they claim that they do not want to be selfish. When did taking care of oneself become “selfish,” instead of self-preservation? Self-preservation is actually a good thing. We all have fundament needs. Normally when we think of fundamental needs, we think of food water, shelter, and perhaps protection or safety. I think that fundamental needs also include the need to be respected, to have fun, to be treated fairly, even the need to be appreciated occasionally.

In Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. He separates human needs into B-needs and D-needs. The D-needs are defined as needs without which our lives are deficient and we will fail to thrive. The D-needs are further separated into four levels, physiological (food, water), safety (protection from the environment and from others), belongingness (being accepted by others), and then esteem (feeling good about oneself), with the lowest level being the most essential. He argued that we must get the lowest level of needs met (at least partially) before we pursue the higher level needs. The B-needs are essential to being human, they are the need for justice, beauty, harmony, truth, etc. These needs define the human experience as different from other animals. Maslow argued that we could thrive without our B-needs being met, but implied that we could not have a full human existence without some of our B-needs being met.

I think that the needs of respect, fun, fair treatment, and being appreciated are D-needs. Without their satiation, our needs for belongingness and esteem are not met. When we sacrifice these we are depriving ourselves of our own ability to thrive. Making sure that we are attended to is not selfish, it is self-preservation. Even in D/s (Dominance-submission) relationships the sub’s needs for are to be met. The service of the sub is given in exchange for having those needs met in other ways, usually through a healthy negotiation. When these fundamental needs are not met—in a D/s or vanilla relationship—then there is exploitation.

Exploitation is the hallmark of being selfish. Selfishness occurs when one is getting their needs (or desires) met at the sake of another, unnecessarily. When someone asks another to make sacrifices he or she is not willing to make himself or herself or that cause undue harm on another, then that person has crossed the line from self-preservation into selfishness. It is important to be cognizant of when one is engaging in self-preservation, selfishness, and self-detriment. The need for “love” (belongingness) will often lead us to sacrificing other aspects of belongingness and we end up with a false sense of belongingness—not acceptance for who we are, but rather what we can offer. You can know that you are truly being appreciated when people try to accommodate you, not when you busy accommodating another.

Esteem is grounded on having a sense of belongingness. A colleague once shared with me that his concept of self-esteem was “being known for who you are.” I would elaborate that self-esteem is being known for who are and recognizing that you are still loved. When we see that others appreciate us it makes it easier for us to appreciate ourselves. When we fail to take care of our fundamental needs, not just the two lowest levels of our needs (food, water, shelter and safety), we will fail to thrive. We are not doing good with this behavior; we are hurting the ones that do truly love us. We deprive them of our fullness, which (unlike self-preservation) is not a good thing.