Non-Monogamy: The Truth about Gay Male Relationships

A few years ago my parents visited the Ripcord with me and my partner where they saw guys, some of whom are in relationships, hug and kiss each other rather freely. After we left my mom asked me why guys did not get jealous and claimed that in the heterosexual community the same behavior would basically lead to fights. My partner and I explained that because it is the cultural norm for the gay community we know that (usually) it is simply an expression of friendly affection and not a romantic or even sexual advance.

Another way in which our cultural norms are different is that the majority of our relationships are not monogamous. A study a few years back found that 66% of couple gay men reported that they had had sex with someone besides their partner within the first year of the relationship. The same study found that within 5 years of a relationship 90% of coupled gay men had had sex with someone other than his partner. Another study found that 50% of the gay male couples who entered into same-sex unions in Vermont did not value sexual fidelity. When I have been in monogamous relationships with another man my friends occasionally ridiculed me, or at least found it strange. Clearly, monogamous coupling is not the norm in the gay male community.

Okay, so what exactly is a non-monogamous relationship? When I talk about non-monogamous relationships I mean a situation in which someone has one (or more) primarily love interest(s) with whom he is not sexually exclusive. So, if you are in a relationship and you and your partner play together with other guys, then you are in a non-monogamous relationship. If you and your partner have sex with other guys when the other is not around, or “have an open relationship,” then you have a non-monogamous relationship. Technically, if you are in a closed relationship with more than one other person (polyamorous), even you all of you are sexually active only with each other, then you are in a non-monogamous relationship.

We do not talk about the non-monogamous aspect of our relationships much though. Sometimes our relationships are non-monogamous and we do not even admit it to each other. We will talk about the tricks that we have had, but rarely do we talk about the impact this feature of our relationship has on our relationship. After a series of relationships that were either monogamous or unspokenly non-monogamous, I am currently in my first openly non-monogamous relationship. Even though it has been a number of years, I am still a little fascinated by the whole idea. But I have only found one friend who will talk to me about how the non-monogamous aspect of his relationship operates and how it affects his relationship. Friends may admit to having a non-monogamous relationship, but they don’t talk about them. There are a number of books that address non-monogamy—especially polyamory—but the majority of these books are geared toward heterosexuals and few tackle the true challenges of open relationships, and even fewer address the gay male experience specifically.

I think, despite the pressure and support from within the culture for non-monogamous relationships, we are still a little embarrassed about our relationships. We have all been raised in a culture that says that monogamy is the correct way to have a relationship. Few of us share the fact that our relationships are non-monogamous with our friends or colleagues outside of our community. I think most of us would be horrified to see a non-monogamous gay male couple on mainstream TV. I feel comfortable bringing my parents to the Ripcord and they know that my partner and I are into leather, but even I am not sure I want them to know that I am in a non-monogamous relationship. After all, as a community, we have spent the last 20 years trying to convince society that our relationships are “just like theirs” in order to receive acceptance. It is like our dirty little secret.