Our Dirty Little Secret, So What?

Part 1: Health and Physical Harm

I recently wrote about non-monogamy being gay men’s dirty little secret. So what? The problem with being unwilling to talk about the nature of our relationships means we do not deal with the particular challenges of non-monogamous relationships. Let me clarify that I do not mean to imply that non-monogamous relationship have more or harder challenges than monogamous relationships, simply that our relationships have unique challenges that are not addressed in all the self-help books on (monogamous) relationships or the couples counseling training that most therapists receive. Without talking about these specific challenges, one cannot address and solve them though. By bringing the truth of our relationships out from the shadow and into the light, we can begin to deal with our relationships in the same healthy ways that people in monogamous relationships do.

Non-monogamous relationships face health and safety concerns that monogamous relationships don’t face. Perhaps the most obvious concern is STDs. Even if both partners are HIV+ there is the risk of re-infection by a different strain of the virus that can compromise the effectiveness of one’s treatment. Syphilis, Herpes, and Chlamydia are all common in the gay community and, despite the availability of medical treatment, these diseases can cause real problems. Even if you know your partner is playing around with other guys, it can still be pretty disturbing for him to bring an STD into the relationship. Monogamous relationships have a much lower risk of this. Fooling around with a bunch of guys can even bring more flu and cold viruses into the relationship as well. As minor as that can be, it can also cause extra stress.

One of the advantages of monogamous relationships is that you no longer have to worry about psycho tricks. Monogamous couples are almost never attacked or killed by strangers they took home for sex. This obviously happens pretty infrequently with non-monogamous couples as well, but it does happen. I like a guy who looks a little edgy. Many of us fantasize about, or even bring home, rough trade. But some of the most respectable looking guys are also the most dangerous (Andrew Cunanan was rather presentable and he killed four gay men before killing Versace). Sometimes when I (or we) have had a trick over I worry about what he might steal. I usually assume that my partner and I could probably take down a stranger we brought home for sex if he physically threatened us—even though I know nothing about the guy’s fighting skills or whether he is armed. By being in non-monogamous relationships we give up some of the safety gained in monogamous relationships.

Another concern can be whether one’s partner is engaging is dangerous sex acts when you are not around to help him, should something go wrong. When my partner and I play with another I always make sure that anyone who fucks him wears a condom and share our rule of “cum on us, not in us” (I am rather old school in my safer-sex practices). Sometimes the reason for the open relationship is because one partner has a fetish that is not shared. Sometimes that fetish (e.g., bondage, flogging, electro-stimulation, fisting) has specific physical risks. In realty, we hear little about scenes with strangers going wrong and causing physical harm. In my field, I probably hear about it a little more—people are more likely to tell an open-minded therapist bound by a confidentiality agreement than their friends.

Though few of us take on these concerns on a daily basis for our partner, the risk itself can sometimes cause stress within the relationship. Ever worry about your partner when he was off playing with someone else? Ever worry about a quirky trick you (or you and your partner) brought home? This type of worrying is part of the human condition—at least in the mild form. The threats we experience are real and there can be a real affect from those threats—even when the threat is never realized. When we are more honest and open about the true nature of our relationships we can better alleviate or manage these threats. We can share ideas about how to best protect ourselves and reduce the threat and the stress.