Labels (Part 2)

I recently wrote about why I think labels can be useful, even though there is a mantra against labeling people. The double edged sword of labeling people is that they promote expectations, but this can be both problematic and beneficial. Names for relationship status is another area where I hear an avoidance of labels. I hear less encouragement of avoiding labels of relationships, but no less frequency of it; “it’s complicated” is one the ways that people frequently avoid labeling a relationship these days.

I have friends that are dating, and apparently in a monogamous relationship, only they are afraid to label their relationship as “dating” or refer to each other as “boyfriends.” They are sexually exclusive with each other and have romantic feelings for each other but do not dare label their relationship as “boyfriends.” I do not know what they think is the risk of labeling what is going on between them, but it feels risky to them.

It seems that they think that by not labeling it a relationship—they are roommates—they do not risk being emotionally hurt. However, I think they actually create greater risk by not labeling their relationship. Labeling a relationship does mark certain expectations, or can clarify expectations. But in this case, the absence of the label does not mean the absence of the expectations. If either of them were to have sex or go on a date with someone else they would very hurt—as much hurt as if they had labeled the relationship. Only without the label, the expectation is not made explicit.

Both of these guys are sexy guys and this is where the label would be useful for others. If they labeled themselves as being in a relationship it would give the rest of us a better sense of how to treat them—namely as a couple. Until I figured out that they were dating (unbeknownst to themselves) I would hit on each of them, now I know to back off. I still do not know when I am expected to invite them both to things or just one of them—with couples I default to inviting both, but with roommates I am more inclined to invite one or the other to something, based on what the event is.

Of course the flip side is that labels sometimes do not help in clarifying some things and can even cause more confusion because we have limited expectations for labels. Relationships come in many forms. But they can at least inform us as to what questions to ask. If someone is in a relationship I can inquire about the nature and boundaries of the relationship, but without a label we are more likely to step on toes without realizing it. Even when I encounter an open relationship I attempt to clarify the parameters of the openness of their relationship. So the label cannot tell one all of the nuances of the relationship, but it provides a framework in which to work.

There may be a shortage of terminology to describe the full range of relationship types—the term “monogamy” does not well apply to a triad relationship in which the three members are exclusive to each other, but neither does the term “open” apply well. Similarly, an open relationship in which the members of the relationship only play with outsiders separately is different than a couple that only plays with others together, but “open” is still the only term we have for either relationship style. However, “open” provides a framework for either style.

Expectations are essential to relationships—they are part of what defines them in fact. The label is not what defines the relationship—the expectations exist (perhaps unspoken) without the label—but the label helps others know how to best interact with the members of the relationship. Unfortunately, the feelings and expectations are there regardless of the label. The label also provides clearer guidance as to how to act for the members within the relationship—including what inquiries to make about how to act.