Put Your Oxygen mask on First before Assisting Others

This piece of advice from flight attendants is a useful metaphor for the rest of one’s life. Many people end up putting others before themselves, end up assisting others before taking care of themselves. And, in a sense, the same consequence occurs as might if you waited to put your oxygen mask on until all those around you had been taken care of—they spiritually or emotionally pass out. Perhaps more accurately, they end up being less functional because they have averted too many of their resources towards others. This is perhaps a particular concern for the submissive members of the BDSM community.

When I was in graduate school the faculty emphasized the importance of taking care of oneself in order to be available to give one’s best in taking care of another. Being in a profession that is highly susceptible to “compassion fatigue,” this was frequently repeated in all of my training experiences. However, for people for whom compassion and service toward others is their nature but are not in a “compassion profession” they are rarely taught the importance of self-care.

One of the barriers to awareness about self-care is the blurring of self-preservation or even self-interest and selfishness. I addressed this previously on this blog, but it is common enough of a phenomenon that it is worth repeating. Self-care is more akin to being responsible, than being selfish. Self-care (or equally self-preservation or self-interest) can as reasonably be seen as maintenance. The best service is offered by the best maintained machines. This is also true of people; we operate best when we take care of ourselves (first).

When we haven’t taken care of ourselves first, then we are prone to the effects of stress. We are more likely to get distracted, more likely to forget things, more likely to make bad decisions, and more likely to become irritable, rather than act in a loving manner. Taking care of others can actually increase one’s happiness. However, this is much less likely if the care feels like a burden rather than an act of kindness. If one is worn out or unfulfilled in his or her own life, then the care that is given—to a child, parent, partner, or friend—is more likely to generate feelings of resentment. This will in turn undermine both the relationship and the reward of the relationship. Subsequently, the quality of the care provided will suffer.

I do not want to promote selfishness under the guise of self-care, but I too often see people neglect themselves under the guise of caring for others. This actually seems more insidious than selfishness to me. I suppose what I would truly advocate is greater awareness in taking care of oneself, rather than putting others first. I would even suggest that to my sub (slave/boy) friends and clients—a good Dom/Master/Daddy needs to be aware of when his/her sub needs to care for himself/herself as well. So, if you find yourself providing a lot of service or care to another or others, check with yourself to make sure that your needs are being met too. You will be able to provide better care and service if you do.