Friendship is Not an a la Carte Option

I recently received an email from a client that asked “why should I continue to try to be friends with people, when people will invariably disappoint me?”

Generally, from what I see with my clients, isolation and loneliness are more damaging and more painful than disappointment. One of our core needs is the need to be accepted, to belong. When we isolate ourselves from others because we find it difficult to tolerate disappointment, then we deny ourselves getting this need met. Without this need we are not whole. Belongingness and acceptance are not things we can provide for ourselves, and are only truly available from others. In fact, former head of the American Psychological Association Abraham Maslow argued that our self-acceptance is grounded on feeling a sense of acceptance by others.

If we refuse to allow others to occasionally disappoint us (because of earlier experiences in which disappointment was associated with real needs—like food, shelter, affection), then we insure that some of our needs will go unmet. We may become so starved for belongingness and acceptance that we perceive the disappointment as rejection—being valued is seen in rather all-or-nothing terms. Sometimes our friends really do care about us but do not know how to show it in a way that we can perceive. Sometimes we have to lovingly invite a conversation about it how feels when we are disappointed.

Sometimes our friends seem unable to change the behavior that disappoints us. Then we have a choice. We have to decide if the behavior that offends weighs more than the value that the friendship offers. Often times a big part of what makes the behavior offensive is that we cannot understand it. Developing compassion for why our friends are unable to change their behavior (right now)—or at least what motivates the behavior—may make the offending behavior easier to tolerate. It may also be worth recognizing that the behavior does not mean the same thing to the friend as it does to you. Sometimes the behavior is just a quirk. It might also be worth remembering that we disappoint our friends too—hey, nobody’s perfect.

There are also times when we experience a friend’s behavior as genuinely intolerable. Sometimes our friends’ behavior is damaging or exploitive to us. Even if their friendship offers us something good, we may need to sever the friendship. It is important to balance self-preservation and growing to be more compassionate of others. There is no simple answer here.

The psychological reward from friendships is in the sense of companionship and having a confidant. Friendships should make us feel better about ourselves. Friendships have been shown to improve one’s mental health, physical health, and longevity. If what you have a is a real friendship, then the disappointing parts are probably worth finding a way to not be bothered by them, but if the “friendship” does not build you up and make you feel more sure of yourself, then it might be time to move on. Either way, we cannot get the good without the bad.