Lessons on Love from Country Music

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
“The Dance” by Garth Brooks

Had I known my heart would break
I would've loved you anyway
“I Would’ve Loved You Anyway” by Trisha Yearwood

Many of my clients laugh at me because I tend to quote country music songs to help them see the ways in which they are getting in their own way. A kinky, well-educated, gay man from the Northeast looking to redneck music for wisdom? Regardless of what one thinks about country music, there is wisdom in those lyrics. Both of these songs are about the pain of having lost love and embracing the idea that to have avoided the pain, they also would have had to avoid the joy. I fully believe that in order to be available for love, we must also be available for pain.

Around the time that I went back to college I met a really wonderful man, Frederick. We tricked and I fell for him, hard. He had a T-cell count of 17. This was before protease inhibitors, and I realized that most likely if we started dating I might fall in love with a man and then watch him die. I thought as seriously about on what I might miss out by not being in a relationship with him. We ended up dating for about 5 years, really wonderful years. We grew in different directions and we are now both with different boyfriends. I am so glad that I took the risk of loving a “dying man” and had the wisdom to see that the potential joy outweighed the potential pain.

A few years later I was faced with a similar situation. I met a wonderful man, Dwayne, who was HIV+ and had a T-cell count of 4—and this was after protease inhibitors were released. I again thought as much about what I might miss out on by passing up on this “dying man.” I made the same decision and we began dating. He died about 8 months later from opportunistic infections. It was excruciating for me. It was the right choice nonetheless. I sure wish we had gotten more time together, but I am grateful for the time we did get.

I like to explain to my clients that the “hole” in our walls through which love passes is the same “hole” through which pain passes. We don’t get to choose the level of intensity of our individual emotional experiences. We either experienced life with muted emotions—usually longing for greater joy, or we experience life with full-contact emotions—good and bad. I always recommend to treat life as full contact. From what I have seen with clients and friends, the stunted emotional life is usually more damaging than the fully experienced pain of life—though I recognize this can be rough too. Love is risky business; potentially wonderfully rewarding risky business.

To quote another country song: “when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.”