Self–Esteem vs. self-esteem

"I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it,
people like me."

Stuart Smalley

In the last few decades there has been a movement toward an “everyone is great” attitude. This idea was (not so?) subtly addressed in the move The Incredibles. Syndrome points out the problem with this position when he says that “when everyone is super, no one will be.” This idea is repeated when Dash is graduating from the 4th to 5th grade and Mr. Incredible says “It's psychotic! They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity.” After a while Self-Esteem becomes grounded in nothing, and consequently also becomes meaningless.

The claim that one is special becomes as empty as Stuart Smalley’s affirmations. Affirmations have been shown to be an effective tool to change one’s thinking—BUT ONLY when the person can actually believe the affirmation. Otherwise, affirmations are as likely to reinforce the idea that one falls short of the very thing he or she is trying to believe or achieve. This is what happens when we build up Self-Esteem in the absence of any foundation for it. In fact, telling people that they great in the absence of a basis (e.g., actual achievement) has been shown to be detrimental to both performance and emotional wellbeing. Martin Seligman, one of the leading researchers on happiness, has claimed that the increased interest on Self-Esteem has actually led to increased occurrence of depression. However, high Self-Esteem has been correlated with better performance, initiative, and happiness. People with high Self-Esteem tend to be more comfortable in social interactions. Consequently, Self-Esteem as a psychological phenomenon has become rather controversial.

When I talk about self-esteem with clients I talk about it terms of what do they actually value about themselves, or what do they feel that they have that they can contribute or that will draw people toward them. Self-esteem gives one a sense that he or she will be accepted (or is acceptable); this is essential to one of our fundamental needs—belongingness. It allows us to take risks, both a good and bad thing, because we less fear rejection. In my experience, valuing something specific about oneself makes a difference. Few of us believe claims (especially about ourselves) in the absence of evidence.

I see many clients who are anxious or depressed because they lack initiative or confidence and socially isolate themselves specifically because they do not recognize what they have to offer. I try to get them to list the traits they perceive in themselves and then help them recognize how some of those traits may be valuable to others. I ask them what they like about themselves. Sometimes I have them ask important others in their lives what those people like about them. This sometimes helps the client see that a trait he or she did not recognize as valuable is in fact valuable to others—and will consequently promote acceptance and belongingness.

This is a technique that many of us could benefit from. Make a list of what about you is valuable and keep it around for those times when you become less certain about how likable you might be. Just make sure these are traits that you believe (a) are valuable to others, and (b) that you actually have. It can be good to proud of oneself, as long as one is proud of something about oneself. That makes for healthy, beneficial self-esteem.