Misdirected (Dis)Respect

I recently had a client tell me about a guy with whom he was maybe, sort of, kind of, possibly beginning to start a relationship. And the client shared with me that one of his hesitations about starting the relationship was that “the guy deserved better.” The statement stopped me.

The idea that someone deserves better than oneself is a notion that has never made sense to me. Unless you know that you are going to do harm to someone or are being duplicitous, then I don’t know from where anyone gets the idea that he or she has the authority to decide whether one is good enough for another. I asked my client on what basis was he making the decision for his potential love interest and my client was unable to produce a coherent, rational argument. It seemed to be more of a feeling. In this case, it was a feeling of personal inadequacy of my client’s.

It strikes me as very presumptive that someone would feel he or she was in a better position to decide what would be rewarding to a (potential) partner than the partner himself or herself. On what basis does one make such a claim? Are you thinking of dating someone with poor judgment?—if that is the case, then the person probably does not deserve better than you. The assertion strikes me as rather self-centered actually.

I think the statement is made out of respect for the (potential) partner, but is actually an act of disrespect. It is grounded on the person either not being able to make good decisions or not knowing what would be good for himself or herself or that the person cannot adequately assess others. Those aren’t very respectful claims to make about another. In fact, they pretty well disregard the other person’s ability to decide or determine what he or she would most enjoy or benefit from in a partner. It pretty much is the same as saying “I know what would be good for you better than you do.”

But the aspect that I think makes it the most self-centered is that it is really about the person making the statement’s self-image than the person about whom the statement is being made. As with my client, it is more often a statement of one’s own sense of inadequacy. It seems it would a healthier and more productive approach to acknowledge and explore how the qualities you see in yours love interest make you feel, rather than write off the compatibility. Heck, you may even want to be honest with your partner. But I would strongly encourage you to be open to what your partner might see in you of value that you do not recognize in yourself.

I really don’t think we are in a position to decide if we are worthy of or good enough for another. I think we are not the best judges of that. I think that we grant a (potential) partner more autonomy and more respect by being honest about who we are (with our concerns about compatibility and being open to his or her perspective). Respect for your (potential) partner’s ability to make a good decision as much as you respect the qualities that make you feel unworthy.