The Five Love Languages

Gary Chapman came up with the theory of the five love languages. It is an idea I use with clients frequently. It addresses the idea that demonstrations of love often go unnoticed (or unappreciated) by a partner. Chapman discovered that people engage in and recognize demonstrations of love differently. He categorized these disparate actions into the categories, or languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

Saying “I love you” is important and can be powerful in its own right. However, in our culture the word “love” has lost some of its strength because of how loosely it is used (“Oh, I love those shoes”). “I love you” can also feel obligatory and insincere sometimes. I encourage clients to share what about their partner(s) they love. Those are true words of affirmation. I do caution people not to use them as blackmail though, don’t turn them into “I love it when you...” in order to get someone to do something, but rather only as sincere appreciation for their having done it.

One of the most valuable and overlooked things that we can offer a partner is our time. Companionship is essential for a relationship (of any kind). Doing things together can function as a bonding experience. It is important to find shared interests and it is important to be curious about your partner(s) interests, even when it is not a shared interest. Work on enjoying your partner’s company when you do things with them that you don’t necessarily enjoy doing yourself—make enjoying their company what you get out of it rather than the joy of the activity itself. Another aspect of quality time that is frequently overlooked is that just sitting with someone who is suffering, enduring what they are going through—without an agenda of your own—is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone.

Meaningful trinkets can in fact be very meaningful. A few years ago my BF was putting in some glass doors, to open the house up to the backyard. I appreciated what he was doing (and his concern that it was temporarily inconveniencing us) so I purchased and wrapped a DVD of a movie I knew liked and stuck in conspicuous place in the jobsite one night so that he found it the next day when he went back to the project. Flowers are the gold standard of trinket gifts, but occasionally spontaneously providing something that your partner has casually mentioned wanting is a great way of saying “I care about and attend to you.”

Doing non-chore household tasks, especially without being asked can be a powerful statement of “we are in this together.” Noticing things that your partner does not like or is incapable of doing and doing those things for him or her is another way of showing you are attending and care. If you can notice something you can do to improve a process of your partner’s or can create something to facilitate the ease of his or her process, you are likely to be appreciated. Even helping out in mundane ways tends to be felt as cared for. My boyfriend cooks most of the dinners in our home and I recognize his doing so is at least partially an act of appreciation for having me in his life.

Touch can be incredibly powerful. There is research that chemicals are released in our brains by just watching another person be tenderly touched. Research has even shown that a comforting touch can be desirable than sustenance. A simple caress or reaching for a partner’s hand while watching TV says “I value you.” While sexual groping can be a great way of saying “I find you sexy,” a non-sexual touch can say “I appreciate you beyond the great sex” (and might even lead to great sex!). Even people who are not touchy-feely can appreciate an occasional touch.

But the important thing to remember is that you may be saying “I love you” all of the time, but if you are speaking a different love language than you partner, the message may not be getting through. It is important to learn the language that your partner comprehends and speak that language. It may even be a good idea to let your partner know what language you hear. An issue that I have not seen Chapman address is that some people speak and hear different love languages themselves. So you cannot always count on getting your love message heard simply by speaking the same language your partner speaks. It is also worth learning what love language your partner speaks, so that you can become better aware of when he or she is saying “I love you” in a language that you don’t hear. Ideally you won’t send messages that are not received, but nor will you miss the messages that are sent in a foreign love tongue.