Saturday, February 18, 2012

Doling Out Your Crazy

When we meet someone for the first time, especially someone with whom we want to get intimate, we want to make a good impression. Part of making a good impression is being yourself with someone. People are pretty good at detecting insincerity; people do not respond well to partial presentations. But people also don’t tend to want to associate with people who present as a “mess.”

I encourage my clients to dole out their crazy a little at a time when developing a relationship. There is a pace at which it feels healthy and appropriate to share one’s uncertainties and idiosyncrasies. It is sort of like testing the waters. Trying to see how much of our own craziness the person is ready to handle. This is partially determined by how much quality is perceived in the person—in other words: “Does the person have enough good stuff to put up with the crazy?” By the way, we all have a little craziness.

The craziness may be some odd superstitious ritual or fear that is not grounded in any rationality, but is grounded in the perception of our own experiences. We all have some strange ideas about the world and frequently our own un-founded insecurities (e.g., I have a faux paranoia about ebola). No one is really quite “normal,” while they might be mentally quite healthy. These are the quirks that make us who we are—often the parts that people find endearing after they get to know us.

However, emphasis on “after they get to know us” is worth highlighting. Too much intimacy—crazy or not—too soon is usually off-putting. We enjoy the process of getting to know someone; the process of discovery is engaging. Knowing everything at once can feel overwhelming—there is no context for the details, no sense of nuance or flavor. It can feel too raw. Additionally, I think there is something to feeling special because an intimate aspect of someone was shared with us. Aspects of oneself shared too easily do not feel like intimacy.

We also take as a cue how much we will share (or are expected to) based on how much another shares, and therefore someone sharing too much too quickly may feel threatening. Most of us want to control the rate at which someone knows our quirks and insecurities—there is vulnerability in it. When someone blurts out all of his or her idiosyncrasies, we don’t feel safe sharing with him or her our personal thoughts. Furthermore, the expectation to match the pace of sharing can make us want to back away (and protect our privacy).

I do not mean to discourage sharing, of course. Exposing our true selves actually tends to open us up to greater connection and happiness. However, when trying to decide to share one’s quirkiness think about the purpose of the sharing—what are you trying to achieve by it? Are you trying to provide insight? Are you trying to explain a particular behavior or tendency? Are you trying to be funny? Or is it just coming out of you uncontrollably? That last one is the one to watch out for—it will drive people away (or to stare).

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