Choosing a 100% Chance of Being Miserable

There are a couple of things which clients have said to me over the years that really stuck. The first one is from my very first client in training as a graduate student; the other was in the early days of my private practice. Both statements continue to resonate for me because they symbolize a recurring issue that I see in counseling, namely a refusal to leave a bad relationship after recognizing it is a bad relationship.

My first client was a volunteer from a psychology class for trainees to practice on; many of them did not think that they had problems that warranted counseling. She described to me the discomfort and difficulties she was having in her relationship, how her boyfriend would say mean things and go out with friends and “force” her to stay home, and how he had broken the windshield of her car. When I asked why she was still in a relationship that was so distressing she responded “It doesn’t hurt enough yet.”

She was able to recognize that being in the relationship “hurt,” but did not see that as a good “enough” reason to leave the relationship ”yet.” As this was my very first session with my very first client, I did not feel that I had the rapport with her to ask “how much does it have to hurt before it is okay to leave?” or challenge her on the notion that there needs to be some sort of threshold for pain at all in order to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. Note that there was no hope or expectation that this relationship was going to get better. In fact there appeared to be an expectation that the relationship would get worse. I kind of presume that she was waiting for the abuse to become physical—because breaking her windshield was not violent enough yet.

This was the basic sentiment expressed by the second client that left such an impression on me. He came to me to better deal with a relationship in which he was very unhappy. He relayed that they had been together about three years and how the relationship was unsatisfying in a variety of ways and how his boyfriend showed no signs of (or interest in) changing his behavior. The client described his boyfriend as a nice guy, but who did not want to do anything except stay home and watch TV; they had also stopped having sex. The client was clearly frustrated and did not know what to do, and then he said the words that continue to echo for me: “I wish he would just hit me.”

He went on to explain to me that he did not want to look like “the bad guy” in a break-up. Apparently, being miserable in a relationship is preferable to being “the bad guy” in a break-up. Furthermore, being miserable enough to want one’s partner to him/her is not itself a good enough reason to leave a bad relationship.

I think these clients emphasize the idea that we consider what might happen more than what is happening. I think there is this fear that something bad (e.g., loneliness, rejection, or loss of reputation) might follow a break-up. This really speaks to the importance of our desiring acceptance and belongingness—a willingness to endure being miserable over risking not being accepted by another. However, I would argue that being miserable in a relationship is a sign that the “acceptance” within the relationship is false and unsatisfying in its own right. After all, one does not have to be alone to feel lonely or rejected.

I do not mean to suggest that everyone should quit their relationships when things get tough. However, examining one’s relationship with regard to the amount of satisfaction-dissatisfaction in the relationship and the realistic hope that things will change (what reason are there to expect that things will—not just can—change?) is important in actually getting one’s belongingness and acceptance needs met. Within a bad relationship one can be 100% certain those needs will not be satisfactorily met. After a break-up there is at least an opportunity that one can get them met—in fact ending a bad relationship increases, not decreases, one’s odds of getting the positive attention one is afraid of not getting.