Honor Thy Father

Being the day after Father’s Day I figured this might be a timely topic. A phenomenon that I see over and over again with my clients, primarily—but not exclusively—male clients, is living one’s life or making decisions based on what would make one’s father happy or proud. There is nobility in this quest, but I more often see the damage from the pursuit.

Whether we are Christian or not, the Commandment of “honor thy father” is pervasive (and unavoidable?) in American culture. It is incorporated into the cultural norm and ethos of American life and the definition of family. Frequently “honor” is translated in terms of “obey,” or even please, one’s father. Biblical scholars differ on the true interpretation of the commandment. Some have argued honor is simply to express gratitude.

I can see where all of these approaches to honoring one’s father are valid and worthy, though I am most inclined toward a gratitude approach. But I think there is an inherent assumption in the directive (whether Christian or American cultural) that gets tragically ignored, which is: if your father warrants honor. It is utterly nonsensical to honor a father that does not warrant honor (or even respect). Yet, these are frequently the very fathers that I see clients damaging themselves by trying to honor by trying to make them proud or happy. Sometimes the clients no longer even have contact with their fathers and still have an orientation toward trying to please them.

I have great dad. He is flawed, but he is actually a truly loving, caring and respectful man. We have had our differences—I severed all contact with my parents for three years over conflict I had with my parents, but having resolved those conflicts now I sincerely enjoy his company and admire him. My dad has a voracious appetite for historical non-fiction that I downright envy. He has a great sense of humor that I do not have to envy because I he passed that down to me. I feel that he genuinely wants to see me succeed, not just so that he can look at me as his success, but for my own happiness.

That last aspect is noteworthy. It was something that I had to learn about my father. My misunderstanding of this was also at the core of the conflict that drove me away many years ago. Either the misunderstanding of this for many of my clients, or the reality that my clients’ fathers want them to be a success for his vicarious sense of accomplishment is what I see as setting up many of my clients for failure in this pursuit. We cannot accomplish success for our fathers if it means that we are inauthentic—it will never be real and it will never be enough.

If you feel that you are astray, ask yourself to what degree are you making choices that don’t feel right because you are either trying to “honor” your father, or deliberately rejecting the demand to honor him. So much of the substance abuse that I have seen has been due to rejection of the path to a father’s honor that the person felt as impossible or inappropriate for the person himself or herself. The healthiest way to honor one’s father is to succeed at being authentic—living the life YOU can be proud of and experiencing your own happiness. This is a great gratitude-based way to honor your father for what he actually gave you (even if sometimes fathers don’t themselves recognize it).

I am fortunate that my father is proud of MY experience of success and that I have come to recognize that. I wish this for everyone—and if it is not real, live as if it is. Thanks dad!