Dual and Dueling identities

I have recently experienced my 15 minutes of fame with a New York Times Magazine article. The issue that this exposure has concerned is my recognition that someone may experience his or her religious identity as strongly as his or her sexual orientation identity and that it might be necessary to help a client embrace his or her religious identity, and bracket (set aside) his or her sexual orientation identity. As you can imagine, this is a controversial idea.

Many GLB people undergo an extremely difficult struggle to accept their sexual orientation. Often this struggle involves dismissing a set of religious beliefs, and frequently accepting an alternative set of religious beliefs (and occasionally an outright rejection of religious beliefs). The people that make a successful acceptance of their sexuality and modify their religious beliefs experience their sexuality as unchangeable and their religious beliefs as changeable. They are able to establish dual identities for their sexuality and their religion. For most of us this seems logical.

I identify as a gay white man. This is at the core of who I understand myself to be. It feels unchangeable. It is at the essence of who I am. It is upon which much of the rest of my identity (e.g., socialist, activist, and atheist) is hung. I experience the parts of my identity that hang upon the core as changeable —I don’t expect them to change, but I can at least imagine them doing so. I suspect that many GLB people that have accepted their sexuality (and particularly those that have adopted a new religious belief system) relate to this understanding of myself.

However, what if the core of my identity was as a Christian white man? What if I felt that my particular version of my Christianity felt like my core? What if I felt that this was unchangeable, that it was at the essence of who I am, and upon which all the rest of my identity was hung? Most GLB people have had to teach others that their sexuality was at their core and unchangeable—this is an experience that I bring in dealing with clients for whom their religious belief feels as unchangeable and essential to one’s personhood as my sexuality does for me.

Though I identify as an atheist, I sincerely respect people’s right to their religious beliefs. I am aware of the empirical research that shows that having certain religious aspects in one’s life improves both quality of life and longevity. It seems that for me to encourage someone to reject, rather than embrace, one’s religion would be inappropriate and perhaps even irresponsible as a mental health professional.

When I work with a client who experiences religious-sexuality conflict, I first try to identify the importance of the client’s specific religious beliefs or how flexible he or she might be about his or her religious beliefs. If I can help a client find balance in his or her religion and sexuality—and there are many religious traditions today that are compatible with a GLB identification—that is the direction in which I will try to point the client. But when a client has an inflexible belief in the fundamental nature of his or her religious convictions my pushing an alternative understanding of scripture is only going to further alienate the client or add to the internal conflict. Neither of these are healthy pursuits in counseling.

I do not believe that in assisting a client bracket his or her sexuality I am helping a client on a path toward genuine happiness, satisfaction, or fulfillment. But I do hope to help the client reduce the active tension and conflict in his or her life. I hope to help the client achieve more (if not absolute) peace. I value personal authenticity as a mental health goal, but I would rather have a client in inauthentic resolution and alive and functioning, than forced between a choice of suicide or what feels like an impossible authenticity, stuck in a state of dueling identities.

Gay Pride

This weekend was Gay Pride in Houston. I did not participate. Not because I am not proud of myself for standing up to homophobia and living as an out gay man. Not because I am not proud of the accomplishments of GLBT people. Not because I am not proud of my GLBT culture. In fact, I very much am proud of all that. But in Houston—I have found—Gay Pride is grounded in how mainstream we are. This actually feels more like shame to me than pride.

The parade here consists more of church and employee groups than independent gay organizations. The so-called “fringe” of the gay community does not seem to be particularly welcome as part of Gay Pride in Houston. In the 6 years I have been in Houston there has only once been a leather organization in the parade. The organization that was invited is primarily heterosexual. In order for leather to be in our parade, it too had to be mainstreamed by being largely straight-identified.

I am a gay leatherman. A large part of my gay identity is tied into the fact that I embrace an alternative sexuality, that I am specifically not mainstream. I intentionally sexualize my gay identity. I am proud to push the boundaries of what is acceptable sexuality—not just for GLBT people, but for all people.

In the 1970s when Gay Pride began, we were proud to be sexual outlaws. We were proud to be challenging the gender and sexual norms. I am still proud to be challenging social norms to be more flexible and more inclusive. In 1990 Marshall Kirk and Hunter Madsen published After the Ball, a book about how the GLBT community could gain acceptance through presenting a mainstream persona. In this After the Ball era, Gay Pride has taken on a role of trying to make our community look like it fits gender and sexual norms, rather than make a statement that an alternative to this was equally valid.

The GLF (Gay Liberation Front), the organization that formed the first Gay Pride celebrations, was adamantly opposed to gay marriage. They viewed gay marriage as the GLB community forsaking what made our culture great—our alternative views of sexuality and gender. As gays gain the right to marry today, I do not expect us to conform to the traditionally-defined monogamous version of marriage. I expect us to redefine what marriage means. Marriage is about commitment, but commitment as defined as an intention to be there for another—nothing about sexual exclusivity or sexual normalcy.

We are a community that has been oppressed based on our sexuality—an adult theme. The celebration of our community, culture, and accomplishments should not have to be “family-friendly.” The celebration of our sexuality should be radical to honor the radical nature of our sexuality and gender. Our community is unified by being sexual and gender outlaws, regardless of how mainstream we might individually live our lives. I have taken as my daily mission to teach the world that my radical sexuality—as non-family friendly as it might be—is as right (morally, psychologically, biologically, etc.) as mainstream or traditional sexuality. I hope more members of the GLBT community remember our roots and that if we are going to truly celebrate Gay Pride, then we need to celebrate the breadth of the community, not just the so-called “acceptable” parts of it.

Honor Thy Father

Being the day after Father’s Day I figured this might be a timely topic. A phenomenon that I see over and over again with my clients, primarily—but not exclusively—male clients, is living one’s life or making decisions based on what would make one’s father happy or proud. There is nobility in this quest, but I more often see the damage from the pursuit.

Whether we are Christian or not, the Commandment of “honor thy father” is pervasive (and unavoidable?) in American culture. It is incorporated into the cultural norm and ethos of American life and the definition of family. Frequently “honor” is translated in terms of “obey,” or even please, one’s father. Biblical scholars differ on the true interpretation of the commandment. Some have argued honor is simply to express gratitude.

I can see where all of these approaches to honoring one’s father are valid and worthy, though I am most inclined toward a gratitude approach. But I think there is an inherent assumption in the directive (whether Christian or American cultural) that gets tragically ignored, which is: if your father warrants honor. It is utterly nonsensical to honor a father that does not warrant honor (or even respect). Yet, these are frequently the very fathers that I see clients damaging themselves by trying to honor by trying to make them proud or happy. Sometimes the clients no longer even have contact with their fathers and still have an orientation toward trying to please them.

I have great dad. He is flawed, but he is actually a truly loving, caring and respectful man. We have had our differences—I severed all contact with my parents for three years over conflict I had with my parents, but having resolved those conflicts now I sincerely enjoy his company and admire him. My dad has a voracious appetite for historical non-fiction that I downright envy. He has a great sense of humor that I do not have to envy because I he passed that down to me. I feel that he genuinely wants to see me succeed, not just so that he can look at me as his success, but for my own happiness.

That last aspect is noteworthy. It was something that I had to learn about my father. My misunderstanding of this was also at the core of the conflict that drove me away many years ago. Either the misunderstanding of this for many of my clients, or the reality that my clients’ fathers want them to be a success for his vicarious sense of accomplishment is what I see as setting up many of my clients for failure in this pursuit. We cannot accomplish success for our fathers if it means that we are inauthentic—it will never be real and it will never be enough.

If you feel that you are astray, ask yourself to what degree are you making choices that don’t feel right because you are either trying to “honor” your father, or deliberately rejecting the demand to honor him. So much of the substance abuse that I have seen has been due to rejection of the path to a father’s honor that the person felt as impossible or inappropriate for the person himself or herself. The healthiest way to honor one’s father is to succeed at being authentic—living the life YOU can be proud of and experiencing your own happiness. This is a great gratitude-based way to honor your father for what he actually gave you (even if sometimes fathers don’t themselves recognize it).

I am fortunate that my father is proud of MY experience of success and that I have come to recognize that. I wish this for everyone—and if it is not real, live as if it is. Thanks dad!

The Miss Fizzy Phenomenon

My boyfriend used to have a cat named Miss Fizzy. As I understand the story, Miss Fizzy was a rescue cat and was very thin and starved when she came into the care of my boyfriend. In his household she had ready access to food. This, it seems, was a huge change for Miss Fizzy. In response to the presence of food, following a lifetime of scarcity of food, Miss Fizzy gorged herself on every occasion and became an obese cat.

My boyfriend and I moved to Houston about 6 years ago and struggled to gain an economic foothold. He does small project construction and has spent years slowly developing a steady stream of clients, scraping for work along the way; he was in a constant state of anxiety about from where his next job would come. Similarly, I opened my practice and spent the next 3 months sitting my office waiting for the phone to ring. My practice picked up and after about 3 years I was finally bringing in enough money to pay my bills most months. We spent the first 5½ years in Houston in our own version of starving.

Within the last 4 months my boyfriend has had steady work and is now scheduling clients about a month out. During February and March I started to have record weeks with regard to number of clients I was seeing each week. Suddenly after a Houston lifetime of scarcity of income, we find ourselves with ample opportunity for income. He has been engaging in 50 to 60-hour physical labor weeks and I have been scheduling more clients than was my goal to see in a week. So like Miss Fizzy, we appear to be gorging on income opportunities. In fact, it seems we could work ourselves into our own version of poor health if we are not careful.

The temptation for what has been absent is great. Part of the motivation comes from the fear that the opportunities will not last: How do I know that there will still be some later, so I had better grab all that I can now. A gluttonous period following famine is natural, but it can also be unhealthy—the body needs to gradually adjust to the change. Consequently, I have imposed limits on myself with regard to how many hours a week I will see clients. I know that I may need to even adjust that down once the sense of scarcity has faded in order to protect my health.

The Miss Fizzy Phenomenon can affect people in a number of ways. One of the ways to which my boyfriend and I are particularly sensitive is spending—suddenly having disposable income after 5 years is REALLY tempting. But another common version of this which I see with clients is sexually. When someone leaves a relationship or when someone changes their body (e.g. weight loss or body building) and can screw around, he or she can binge on sex or sexual novelty, which may have felt scarce during the relationship or when one did not find himself or herself attractive. Unfortunately, this type of sexual gorging often leaves someone feeling empty—and frequently increases his or her pursuit of sex. There are, of course, too many other ways in which one can gorge following deprivation to enumerate here.

I think many of us experience sudden access to something that previously felt scarce at some point in our lives. When this happens keep Miss Fizzy in mind. Be mindful of the gorging in which you engage. Attend to the effect on both your body and your mind and pace yourself.

Satisfaction and Dissatisfaction

Frederick Herzberg proposed that job satisfaction and job dissatisfaction are two different things, rather than just two ends of the same continuum. Roughly, he suggested that job satisfaction is related to the inspirational (one’s sense of mission) and internally rewarding (sense of achievement) aspects of a job and that job dissatisfaction is related to the burden (policies) and externally rewarding (benefits) aspects of a job. In talking with clients about their feelings toward their job, I use his theory in at least an exploratory way to facilitate discussion and thinking. Ideally one wants to experience high job satisfaction and low job dissatisfaction. While evidence suggests that the two ideas are not as independent as Herzberg claimed, there is some support for the differential effects of the factors.

In exploring with a client if his or her job is satisfying, I look at what Herzberg called motivation factors: challenging work, opportunity for growth, recognition, responsibility, and personal sense of achievement. A lot of this is task based—“do you enjoy what you are doing in your job?” or “how do you feel about the work (not the job) specifically?” This can include how one feels about the overall importance of one’s work: doing research on the impact of mining on the environment may be very rewarding in itself, but not feel as good if it is for a mining company that is using the information to skirt or exploit environmental protection laws. Job satisfaction appears to be grounded in life-job values. Job satisfaction appears to be associated with how much one aspires in his or her work.

When helping a client explore what feels bothersome about a job, I try to look at what Herzberg refers to as hygiene factors: work environment/corporate culture, hours, working condition, job security, salary (compensation), and fringe benefits. A lot of this is workplace based—“how do you feel treated by your employer?” or “how much do you enjoy your coworkers?” This relates more to job stress: enjoying a task and feeling that it will make a real difference may be very rewarding in itself, but not feel as good if you are constantly behind schedule or working long hours every day. Job dissatisfaction appears to be grounded in how fairly one feels treated. Job dissatisfaction appears to be associated with much one engages in sabotage, theft, or loafing at work.

In working with clients I have also extrapolated the idea onto overall quality of life, as life satisfaction and life dissatisfaction and have found this useful as well (if not actually scientifically founded). Life satisfaction analogously relates to how inspired one is in his her life, while life dissatisfaction is analogous to how burdened or stressed out one feels.

I help clients explore if they are feeling challenged, experiencing personal growth, feel connected, or feel that they are making a difference in their personal lives. In other words, is one socially and intellectually stimulated and rewarded. Similarly, I inquire if clients feel that their lives are monotonous or they feel that they are laboring at what they do outside of work. Ideally, our interpersonal relationships feel fulfilling and that we have some purpose.

In exploring relative levels of life satisfaction I often ask the question as “are you living or simply waiting to die?” A “simply waiting to die” stance suggests low life satisfaction, but also low life dissatisfaction—it is more like numbness. I then try to work with a client to find a sense of purpose or meaning—something to live for or work toward. If a client expresses enthusiasm for life, but also feeling bogged down, that usually suggests that they have high life satisfaction, but also high life dissatisfaction. With a client like this is often a matter of removing what feels like obstacles—often obstacles with which he or she has become comfortable or has come to depend on. Clients both low in life satisfaction and high in life dissatisfaction frequently experience a sense of helplessness/hopelessness—they feel burdened by being alive and without any reason to be alive. These are, of course, the clients that scare me the most and are most challenging. With them I need to work with them to both develop a sense of purpose and simultaneously develop a sense that improvement in life is possible.

How satisfied and dissatisfied are you in your job and in your life? Looking at these ideas as separate things rather than ends of a singular continuum may help you recognize areas of your job or life that you want to improve or change.

My Personal Lent

Today is the beginning of Lent and I have been thinking about Lent a lot recently. I did not grow up in a religious tradition that celebrated Lent, but the town in which I grew up was about 75% Catholic, so I was exposed to the idea as a child. Many of my classmates gave up chocolate for Lent. I am not sure how many of my elementary school classmates knew what the purpose of the “fasting” was. I was raised in a Baptist tradition in which the idea of making a sacrifice for the Lord for only 40 days (depending on how you count) was offensive and that true repentance meant making the sacrifice year round. I think this indoctrination is part of what led me to reject the concept of Lent for so many years.

In the last few years I have come to have a great appreciation for the idea of Lent, within in my own conceptualization of it. In looking at the meaning/purpose of Lent, I see a lot of good that can be applicable to people who do not engage in this religious practice, but perhaps do see themselves as spiritual. In recently discussing with a client a behavior that she feels she needs to give up, we have been talking about the possibility of her giving up the behavior for Lent and taking this period to reflect upon what role she wants this behavior to play in her life. The idea is that the abstinence/fasting will allow her to see more clearly the role that this behavior does play in her life and see what it might be like without it or, at least, with it in much more moderate or appropriate ways.

In talking about this refraining from behavior, we have talked about it in terms of not just being a fresh start, but in terms of repentance and cleansing her spirit, or at least giving her spirit a rest. We have talked about the fasting in terms of something she can do for her soul—to stop dumping toxicity into her body/self through this behavior. We dump toxicity into our bodies/selves when we invite drama into our lives, not just when we put into our bodies substances that hurt our bodies. We have talked about repentance, not in terms of repenting of sins done unto God, but rather sins done unto oneself.

Another common part of the Lent celebration is prayer. The purpose of prayer is to get one closer to the spirit, traditionally God. If prayer is not the way you connect to your spirit, you can engage in a variety of behaviors that helps you get closer in touch with your own spirit as well. Meditation, for example, is often a quieting of the mind in which extraneous or damaging thoughts are chased away and one focuses on one’s self—it is a communing with oneself, as it were—promoting mindfulness. Recitation or affirmation of the goal can also be prayer-substitute behaviors that can be other ways of connecting the mind and body. Within a non-religious approach “prayer” can be an act of deliberate self-reflection.

I have twice decided to give up deserts/sweet baked goods for an extended period (3 months), not so much in repentance for the sin of cake-eating, but to get back into a better relationship with my body. I have engaged in my Lent-like behavior when I discovered that I was eating deserts at a rate that threatened my health (I am diabetic) and experienced this habit as out of synch with my spirit. In other words, I was not living in accordance with how I see myself and was experiencing internal discomfort with this. I have taken the opportunity during my “Lent” to evaluate my relationship with deserts and my body and consider patterns that are more in accordance with how I want to live following my “Lent” period. I am in the midst of such a Lent-based evaluation of my behavior right now as I reconsider with what frequency and under what conditions do I want to allow myself sweets. My “Lent” followed a period of indulgence (my Mardi Gras, of sorts) of desert consumption during the holiday season. While in this fasting, the temptation of desert seems to be ever present, but each opportunity for desert allows me to look at what role desert plays in my life and what role I would like it to play.

Just as I did not begin my “Lent” on Ash Wednesday, you do not have to begin your period of self-reflective fasting at any particular time—the date is rather arbitrary. But if you are feeling that a persistent behavior of yours in causing you distress, then you may want to consider engaging in an extended fast of that behavior in which you observe and reflect upon what role and impact that behavior is having in your life. I do not imagine that I will give up desert forever after my “Lent,” but I expect to establish a behavior that better suits my intentions and relationship with my body. If I lose the path again, as I did after my last “Lent,” you can again engage in a reflective fast, in your own personal “Lent” at anytime.

Our Dirty Little Secret, So What?

Part 3: Undermining Commitment

I recently wrote about non-monogamy being gay men’s dirty little secret. This is the third and final part of my response to why it matters that it is a dirty little secret. My intent is not to cast a negative light non-monogamy, but rather to encourage that we talk, individually and collectively, about what this means for us. We have forged a working model of the gay male relationship without very good prototypes grounded in the open-mindedness for which the GLBT community is known and which incorporates male sexuality. As we close in on having our relationships recognized on par with heterosexual marriage I would like us to again come out of the shadows about relationships and have open dialogue promoting the development of ways to cope with the particular challenges of these relationships.

Many of us were taught that committing to someone means not having sex with anybody but your single primary love partner. Yet many people in non-monogamous relationships consider themselves in committed relationships. So how do you know if your partner is committed to you in this situation? This question can be especially important during the beginning stages of a relationship or during times of turmoil. This is something that many non-monogamous couples need to figure out that monogamous couples generally do not.

Non-monogamous relationships need to deal with many of the threats that monogamous couples grapple with, but with a twist. Bed-death (the decline or disappearance of sex within a relationship) can happen in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. I know of a number of couples in which both partners are having plenty of sex, just not with each other. When sex is so readily available outside the relationship, sex within the relationship sometimes becomes “boring” and may even cease to be a part of the relationship. Few relationships remain strong when the solitary (or even primary) source of sex is from outside the relationship. The emotional bond may remain strong, but is the relationship still a romantic relationship, or is it more like best friends? How do we deal with the draw of sexual variety available in open relationships such that we do not lose the sexual connection with our partners? The sexual element in monogamous relationships is fostered by the availability of sex only within the relationship, non-monogamous relationships are not buoyed by this.

The loss of sex as a bond can also undermine the sense of commitment. This can become especially threatening if one of the partners finds someone with whom he does enjoy having sex with and enjoys spending non-sexual time with. Even non-monogamous relationships can be subject to affairs, and with the open boundaries perhaps even more at risk.

It is not uncommon for someone to act out sexually when there is conflict in the relationship. Conflict is a common driving force in failures of fidelity in monogamous relationships. It also is a rather unhealthy way to deal with relationship conflict. Non-monogamous relationships make this option even easier and more subtle. How can you differentiate between horny play outside the relationship and sex that is venting unresolved relationship conflict—which is likely to foster the conflict, rather than act as a catharsis for the tension?

I have a friend who is a dad and was in a committed relationship of 8 years. He also likes to trick a lot. His relationship with his partner was explained to his son as being equivalent to his mom’s relationship with his step-father. Only his mother and step-father did not have a train of guys coming through for casual sex. So how do we explain or manage our extra-relationship sexual exploits when our children stay with us or our elderly parents move in? The special form and dynamics of non-monogamous relationships can be hard to explain to people outside of the community, whether they be family or colleague. One of the benefits of having our relationships validated in society is that we can look for support from our friends and families. We likely will not be able to fully utilize our support systems if what we seek support about is something that we feel we cannot share.

I firmly believe that non-monogamy is not in itself a threat to gay male relationships, but rather the ways in which we deal with (or ignore) the unique challenges of these relationships is a threat. Unless we open up a dialogue about these issues we will not know how to deal with them or each couple will have to invent their own way to address the concern. Unless we develop healthy ways to deal with the unique challenges of our relationships our dirty little secret will matter.